Catharsis

He once asked me to hold his hand

2011-06-19T16:37:00.000+08:00

Without thinking, I declined. Even if it was a harmless gesture, I was committed to someone else. I was just being guarded, as usual. He asked me a second time on the same night, but again, I refused.

I never thought that I’d regret that decision.

If the circumstances were different, I would’ve entwined our fingers together. I always wondered how those hands felt like. I had this notion that they would be slender and soft since he was a pampered guy. I would jokingly ask him: “Why do you flirt so much with girls?” That was the reason why I chose not to hold his hand. I knew he would probably ask other girls that too. And he did.

I just found it odd that after he was able to hold everyone else’s hand, he came back to me. He still wanted to hold my hand. I shook my head. After all, I didn’t want my feelings for him to resurface again. You see, I’ve liked him ever since the day we first met.

He amazed me since Day One, since he went out of his way to introduce himself to me and make me feel welcomed. I was equally surprised and touched. Guys don’t usually do that for me. I started crushing on him even though I was in a relationship. I felt guilty, but I couldn’t fight those pesky feelings. My face would instantly light up whenever he’d say “Hi” to me. I loved his smile. I loved the way he’d say my name whenever he greeted me.

I began hating him when I realized he was naturally nice to everyone. I grew jealous whenever he charmed the other girls in and outside of the classroom. I started to notice his flaws, but somehow, it just wasn’t enough to make me like him less.

On my 18th birthday, I had my debut. I was expecting my boyfriend to come home to attend it since he was my 18th rose and I wouldn’t want it any other way. He didn’t. I felt like a princess that night, but the sadness that filled me whenever I looked at the ballroom’s entrance didn’t subside. What surprised me that night is his presence. He lived far away, so I was shocked when I saw him there. We weren’t close, so I wasn’t expecting him to attend. He did, though. A guy who I barely knew attended my debut, but my boyfriend did not.

To some, it might not be a big deal. My feelings for him grew, and so did my confusion. Was I only interested in him because I felt neglected by my boyfriend? Did I genuinely like him? Until now, I’m not so sure. I try so hard to hate him. We don’t talk as much as before, but there are times when he surprises me.

One night, I had to have myself fixed for an event. I was ignoring him the whole time because he annoyed me. I hated the way he acted like a goody-two-shoes. I hated the way he suck up to teachers. I hated everything about him. I’m sure he felt that. Even so, when our paths crossed, he surprised me by looking into my eyes and telling me: “You look stunning.” My jaw would’ve dropped if I wasn’t so composed that night. I laughed it off, like I usually do when I receive compliments. I immediately walked away, but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about those three words.

No one has ever called me that. I occasionally get pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, hot and etc., but never stunning.
What also amazes me is his openness with me. We don’t talk a lot, but when we do, he tells me everything. Oddly, I was the first among our classmates to know that he had broken up with his girlfriend. I thought he had announced it to everyone else, but to my surprise, I was the only one he shared that piece of information with. Earlier, when things were still rocky between him and his girlfriend, he’d share his thoughts about her to me. He’d ask for advice, too. It was weird because he’d do this out of nowhere. Sometimes, it was a random text, a chat message or a face-to-face conversation. His trust in me was flattering yet confusing at the same time. Why me, of all people?

I just wanted to write this down to let me go of these emotions for him. I don’t want to get stuck into another sticky situation with a boy. I’m coping with my doomed relationship with my current boyfriend, so I’m not emotionally stable. The last thing I want to do is resort to cheating or using someone.

I haven’t thought about this guy over the summer, so I thought my odd feelings for him were finally dead. The confusion just came rushing back when he was asked by one of my “friends” if he would ever fall in love with me. It was a weird question and I don’t know what triggered that person to ask him that. His elusive answer was a “Maybe…”
What he meant by that? I have no idea. I asked a few people’s opinions about it and they said it was another way of saying “Yes.”

I hope they’re wrong. After all, how could he ever fall for me? Or at least like me? We rarely talk. We don’t hang out so much. A guy can’t possibly like you by keeping his distance, right? Right?

Enchanted to Meet You

2011-06-10T16:48:00.001+08:00

Don't let the fairy tale-ish title fool you. Really. Here's something I thought of when I read a post about a guy who said that it was awkward to play basketball with a girl. Why did he say that? I'll leave that to your imagination. Since this is only half of chapter one, there's no trace of basketballyet.

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Isn’t it ironic to feel lonely within a crowd? There are dozens of people around you, but instead of getting rid of your loneliness, they overwhelm you. That’s exactly how I felt as I sat in the middle of a busy sports bar with my best friend, Vi. Her eyes were glued to the television screen. She only looked away to order another drink or to tell me how “hot” her favorite player was. I couldn’t bring myself to remember the guy’s name. That’s why I found it amazingly ridiculous that Vi knew every player’s name—jersey number included.

I tried watching the game for a while, but football just couldn’t pique my interest. Instead, I aimlessly scanned the room. I tried to convince myself that accompanying my best friend to this place jam-packed with boys was noble of me. Vi attracts too much male attention and judging from the number of empty shot glasses in front of her, that wasn’t a good thing. The boys were chattering noisily and chugging down bottles of beer from time to time. It wasn’t the prettiest sight in the world. I was about to let out an exasperated sigh when I noticed that a guy was talking to Vi.

“A girl who’s genuinely interested in football—that’s pretty rare.” he said.

“You think so?” Vi replied. She was more interested in the game than this boy’s face.

Apparently, he noticed. He tried to obscure Vi’s view of the television by bringing his face closer to hers. “I’m Chris, by the way, and you are?”

Vi tried her best to get a better view of the game, but to no avail. “Vitoria.” she said, “Vi for short.” She gave him a small smile.

“Will you mind if we join you?”

“Not at all.”

“Great.” Chris grinned. “Hey Nate, why don’t you sit with Vi’s friend over there.”

Vitoria elbowed me playfully while I was horrified. I did not accompany Vi here to pick up boys. Besides, I wasn’t even good at conversations. I looked at the guy named Nate and I was immediately startled—he was already looking at me! His expression was serious, but there was a hint of gentleness in his blue eyes. He gave me a nod before he sat next to me. I was expecting him to talk just like Chris, but he stayed quiet the whole time. Instead, he seemed more interested in watching the game.

I felt both relieved and bothered by his behavior. I was glad that I didn’t have to make a fool out of myself by trying to keep up with a conversation with a guy, but I was also wondering why he didn’t even bother to ask for my name. My insecurity started gnawing on me at this point. My best friend was effortlessly wrapping her finger around a boy she just met while I was stuck with a guy who didn’t want to talk to me.

“Better pay up, Nate. My team’s clearly winning.” Chris said.

“The game’s far from over. Keep watching.” Nate replied. His voice was deep and he spoke so softly, so I doubt Chris was able to hear him.

After a while, the people in the bar started cheering loudly amidst the sound of clinking beer bottles. Apparently, the game was finally over. Thank God. Judging from Vi’s reaction, she was mortified—her team had probably lost. Chris’ mouth hung open, so I figured they were rooting for the same team. I heard chuckling beside me and I was sure it was Nate. He stood up triumphantly. I was shocked for a moment because I noticed Nate’s towering height. I felt like a midget beside him. I doubt standing up would make a significant difference. He made his way to Nate. The latter shoved a handful of cash to his friend. “This is unfair, Nate. Why do you have to always win in bets?” Nate answered with a chuckle.

Nate ordered drinks for all of us. Vi and Chris finished theirs in one swig. They didn’t seem to be in the mood for talking. Nate came back to hand me a drink, but I declined. “Thanks, but I don’t drink.” I said. He seemed a little shocked. I must’ve said it a little too bluntly. When I was about to apologize, Vi took the glass from Nate’s hand and drank it up.

“Vi, you’re drunk, aren’t you?” I asked.

She nodded groggily. Her cheeks were flushed.

“It’s time to go home, then.” I took her arm and dragged her out of her seat. She struggled a lot. “You’re no fun! Let go!” I sighed.

“Right. Why don’t you stay a while? Nate and I can take you girls home.” Chris said.

Vi smiled approvingly at Chris.

“No way. We barely even know you.” I said. This stunned Chris.

“Alright already. Sheesh.” Chris shrugged. He took Vi’s hand. “At least let me get your number.”

I shook my head. “I’ll meet you at the door.” While I went to retrieve my purse from my seat, I felt Nate’s eyes on me. It was unnerving. I dared to lock my gaze with his. “Oh, and in case you forgot to ask, my name’s Lyla.”

I looked away defiantly and stormed out of the bar.

The next day, I was greeted by Vi’s grumbling. She clearly wasn’t going to get up any time soon. I searched my medicine cabinet for some aspirin, but I ran out. Great, now I have to go to the other side of town to buy some. Vi wouldn’t stop her grumbling if I didn’t go soon, so I had to. Vi’s hangover wasn’t my only problem. Another thing that bothered me when I opened my eyes this morning was Nate’s face. I realized how stupid I was for telling him my name. I bet he was thinking, “Why should I care?” I felt ashamed of myself, but I shrugged it off as I took a shower.

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There's more, but I'm too secretive to post the rest. I might change the title, but I'm still thinking about that. It's actually a reference to my current favorite song. Anyway, I'm blabbering. If you read this,THANK YOU! You can now move on with your life.

Note: I'm trying to make this as short as possible. I don't think this is novel material.

Bestfriend vs Girlfriend

2011-04-09T17:55:00.002+08:00

Bestfriend

Being in love with a guy and being his bestfriend at the same time is complicated. You’re with him a lot, you tell each other your deepest, darkest secrets and you make each other happy. It’s perfect. Everyday, you fall even deeper. He loves you… as a friend. You can’t compete with his girlfriend because you simply don’t want to take away his happiness. Hah. If I know, you helped him and gave him advice while he was still courting the girl. It hurts like hell to see him with someone else, but you’d brush that pain away since…

You love him.

Girlfriend

As much as people say that being in a relationship is just plain troublesome, it’s actually worth it. Compared to not being officially together, I’d rather be in a relationship. It’s more concrete than a “no strings attached” one. You’re his and he’s yours. He loves you and you love him. No one can (supposedly) come between you. Well, no one but his girl bestfriend. She knows him as much as you know him. Probably, she even knows more since he wouldn’t be afraid to show the skeletons in his closet to her. They’re inseparable. They’ve (most of the time) known each other far longer than your relationship with your boyfriend has lasted. She can be a huge factor for your jealousy issues. She has all the right to cling to him, too. What’s worse? You can’t complain about it.

Luckily, I never had to be jealous of my guy’s bestfriend. Why? I’m his bestfriend. I was even before we started dating. I’m glad. I tend to be very jealous at times. I’m somewhat happy that I don’t have this kind of drama to deal with. I guess falling for him and gambling our friendship wasn’t so bad after all.

Just a thought.

Being a Director is a Pain

2010-06-11T19:25:00.001+08:00

Why can’t I breathe you into my life? What would take to make you see that I’m alive?

We were in the middle of rehearsals for a play called El Filibusterismo. I was glad that the group asked me to be the director, but that would mean more work on my part. I was also responsible for the script. The play was going to be perfect—except for one problem. By popular demand, I had to recruit my pokerfaced best friend, Antonio. The group wanted him to be partners with my classmate, the pretty girl, Cammy. They were an item. Everyone loved to push them together, and get giddy as if they were John Lloyd and Bea Alonzo. They were clearly amused, but I wasn’t. For some reason, it sickened me.

Saw your face in the crowd, I call out your name, but you don’t hear a sound... Wish I could read what goes through your mind.

We were stuck because I tried to avoid the kissing scene—which wasn’t in the book—that involved Antonio and Cammy’s characters. Problem was, we rehearsed all the scenes except for that. I had no choice. I watched Antonio and Cammy stand awkwardly beside each other. Cammy seemed to be blushing, while Antonio seemed tensed. I gave more attention to Antonio. When our eyes met, I gave him a reassuring smile. “You can do it, Tony.” I called out. Antonio seemed to have gained more courage after that. I watched him take Cammy’s hand with hesitation. Cammy turned to look at him. At that moment, everyone cheered… except for me.

If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room. If I was invincible, I’d make you mine tonight.

When the pair looked at me as if asking for guidance, I nodded. “You know your lines.” I said, it was almost a whisper. Antonio’s deep voice made everyone grow silent. He was telling Cammy words of love and caring, but his face was devoid of emotion, as usual. Even if you’re wearing your pokerface, Tony, I know you mean it. I know you like her. I just had to write the script for you. I felt tears forming in my eyes, but I blinked them back subtly. I watched Cammy’s hand touch Antonio’s cheek. The end is near, I thought. They exchanged I love you’s as they drew closer together for a hug. I think I heard one of my classmates squeal in glee somewhere at the back. I averted my gaze from the stage Antonio and Cammy stood on. I fumbled for my phone in my pocket.

If hearts were unbreakable, then I could just tell you where I stand. I would be the smartest girl. If I was invisible…

When Antonio and Cammy’s faces were only a few inches apart, my phone rang. They abruptly pulled away from each other. I could feel everyone giving me a death glare even if they were behind me. Their angry gazes seemed to be piercing my back. Whilst concealing my watery eyes with a serious expression, I eyed the pair. “Didn’t I tell you guys time and time again not to get distracted by the audience?” Everyone, including myself, was startled at the harshness of my voice. I lowered my voice into a whisper, “There will be laughs, chattering, and ringing phones from the audience during the play. You have to learn to block the distractions out…” I turned away from everyone. “I have to answer this call.” By doing so, I failed to see Antonio’s concerned face.

I walked away.

…wait, I already am. Invisible.

While I was walking towards the huge stairway that led to our school’s exit, I stopped. I heard everyone cheer so loudly, even if I was rather far away from them. They kissed. You did it, Tony. I tried to smile as I took my cellphone from my pocket, and placed it near my ear. There was no call, of course. I faked the whole thing just so I didn’t have to see Antonio—my best friend, the one I love—kiss someone else. I cried… letting out all of the pretensions and pain in my chest. Hot tears that have been waiting to fall the moment Antonio told me that he thought Cammy was interesting, fell down my cheeks, and I tried to tell myself that everything would be alright.

I reach out, but you don’t even see me. I am nothing without you, just a shadow passing through.

“Jen. Are you okay?”

I turned to the familiar voice—forgetting about my tear-stricken face for a moment.

Chosen - Chapter Two

2010-05-31T09:35:00.000+08:00

Leave comments. I have to know what you guys think ;)

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Chapter 2.1: The Elite

This school is creeping me out. They have seven floors, some organization called The Elite, a secret hideout in the school’s greenhouse… what next?” Oliver thought.

“Students, it’s time that I tell you the truth. I called for a meeting to answer the questions all of you have conjured the moment I set foot in your classroom.” Professor Vargas’ expression built up tension in the dim briefing room of the Elite. The professor had everyone’s attention, including Jeffrey’s. The professor looked around the room, then sighed. “Your Professor Vargas—my father—has gone missing.”

Megan gasped. “Why? When?” She asked frantically. Oliver was clueless, but he gave Megan’s shoulder a comforting pat. Clearly, this mysterious professor meant a lot to the group.

“Tell us what happened.” Deal said, it almost sounded like an order.

Professor Vargas shook his head. “To be honest, I’m not so sure myself.”

“What do you mean you’re not sure?” Tyson demanded. He waved his fist infront of Professor Vargas. “You’re supposed to be answering questions, not giving us more reasons to ask them!” Jeffrey and Deal tried to retain Tyson while the girls wore concerned looks on their faces. Oliver tried his best to understand.

Professor Vargas retained his cool. “He was attending a seminar, Mr. Richardson. It was about private schools reaching out to public schools. He represented SJA. It was a three-day affair, but he never came back. I tried calling, but his phone was dead. I asked the administration about it, but they didn’t give me straight answers. They’re talking about extensions and so on, but can a seminar last as long as a month? Do they actually think that I’d believe that?” The professor’s cool façade slowly disappeared. A single tear even escaped his eye.

Tyson calmed down, but his gaze was locked to the room’s marble floor. He clenched his fists. “What do you want us to do, then?” He asked quietly.

“I want you guys to help me find him. Are you willing to lend me a hand?”

Everyone except Oliver nodded at the professor’s question.

“How about you, Mr. Simons?” Professor Vargas eyed the confused Oliver.

“S-sir, I’m not sure how I would be of help.” Oliver averted his gaze from the professor.

“You will be. You are part of the Elite now.”

“Huh? I thought the Elite was an exclusive group for the most excellent students in St. John!”

“Well, technically you are one of these excellent students.” Professor Vargas replied. “My father left a note about you before he left for the seminar. Oliver Simons, the math wizard.”

“So you’re the new guy professor mentioned about during the end of our junior year!” Deal exclaims. He rubbed his chin in thought. “A new addition to the group…”

“Congratulations, Oliver. You’re now a part of the Elite!” Megan exclaimed as she hugged Oliver. The boy’s face quickly turned red. Girls never hug him. The group clapped in unison.

“Welcome aboard.” Deal said as he playfully punched Oliver’s shoulder. Oliver stopped himself from falling to the floor. That guy could sure pack a punch! Sam, who was behind Deal, nodded at Oliver.

“Yeah, welcome.” Tyson whispered without meeting Oliver’s gaze. They shook hands momentarily. Jeffrey was busy working with his Rubik’s cube. For some reason, he felt everyone’s gaze on him and looked at Oliver, and nodded. “Welcome.” He said in his deep voice.

“Wait, I didn’t sign up for this.” Oliver said as he looked at everyone—except Bianca—in the room. He looked at Professor Vargas for answers, but the professor stayed silent.

Silence filled the Elite Headquarters right before a peal of laughter broke it. It was Bianca’s sweet voice. She stood up from the stool she sat on, and made her way towards Oliver. “You belong here. Don’t you dare doubt that.” Her sky blue eyes stunned Oliver. With a flip of her hair, she walked out of the room.

“Bianca sure has a way of making a scene, huh?” Tyson commented. Everyone seemed to have chosen to ignore it.

“This isn’t a club, Mr. Simons. You were CHOSEN to be a part of this group.” Professor Vargas said. “You see, you have shown excellent academic performance in your past school. Your grades caught St. John Academy’s attention. Your entrance test results were equally remarkable; your 98.8% almost surpassed Dillan Foster’s 98.9%. In the Elite Rankings, you’re currently Top 2—pushing Samantha Lee to Top 3. As Bianca puts it, you belong here.” The professor smiles.

“Dude, you’re part of the top seven students of the school. This isn’t the student council, this is the Elite… and we’re here to save the world!” Tyson says as he uppercuts the air.

“Not quite.” Sam interjects as Deal smacks Tyson on the head. “We represent St. John in interschool academic contests, and special competitions too. All we need to do is win.”

“Generally, we act as the school’s pawns that way.” Tyson rolls his eyes. “We save their butts all the time, you know! There’s a reason why St. John is a prestigious academy… and that reason is the Elite.”

“Let’s not be too cocky now, Tyson.” Deal said.

“It’s the truth!”

“Don’t worry, Oliver. You’ll get the hang of it.” Megan assures Oliver as she pats his shoulder.

“Think fast.” Jeffrey said as he tossed his Rubik’s cube to Oliver.

With a few quick turns, Oliver was able to solve the cube. Everyone but Jeffrey was amazed. “Approximately 20 seconds. Great.” Jeffrey took the Rubik’s cube out of Oliver’s hands and walked out of the room.

“I think that was his way of welcoming you to the team.” Megan whispered.

“Jeffrey must have felt intimidated by the professor’s claim that Oliver’s a math wiz. Jeffrey, after all, is the math genius of the group.” Sam points out.

“Oh, he can have Science! Two specialties are unfair anyway.” Megan jokingly says. She giggles.

“Then why didn’t anyone complain about Spyke? He beat us in all our specialties, and yet we never made a big deal out of it.” Tyson said. His comment made everyone grow silent. Everyone except Sam gave him a death glare. “Did I say something wrong?” He innocently asks.

Deal cracked his knuckles, and was obviously ready to smack Tyson again. Sam took his elbow before he even got the chance to take a step towards Tyson. “Let’s go grab a bite, Deal.” Deal sighs. He takes Sam’s hand in his and walks her out of the room. “We’ll see you around, guys.” Sam said as she closed the door.

“What was that about?” Tyson asked.

“Spyke is a taboo topic when Sam is around, remember? Actually, he’s not the best subject to bring up in front of Deal, too.” Megan explains unenthusiastically. It was as if it wasn’t the first time she had to explain that to Tyson.

“Sam really should get over it. As for Deal, he’s just being a jealous boyfriend. Spyke was a better leader than him. He was cool, fun, and easygoing. He wasn’t as dull, strict, and obsessive-compulsive as Deal!” Tyson complained. “I can’t even believe Sam likes hanging out with Spyke’s complete opposite.”

Megan turned to face the ever more confused Oliver. “Spyke is Sam’s first love. I can’t say the same about Spyke, but it was as if they had something going on. They were always so sweet and happy. One day, those moments of theirs just stopped. They became cold to each other. None of us really know why. Sam’s been holding up well because Deal plays as her crutch. It’s really complicated, but I hope that sheds light on a few things.” Megan smiles. “Hang in there.”

“I will, hopefully.” Oliver nods.

“So, what about that pizza you were talking about, Tyson?” Megan beams at Tyson. The boy seemed enchanted by Megan’s smile. “It’s on me, sweetheart!”

Megan gives Oliver a conspiratorial wink as Tyson leads them out of the greenhouse. Oliver couldn’t help, but smile at the petite girl’s ‘evil plan’.

Chapter 2.2: Samantha and Dillan

“Want a bite?” Sam asks as she waved her bitten candy bar infront of Deal. She meant it as a joke, but she was shocked when Deal actually took a bite. “Deal! Don’t you find that unsanitary?”

“Hey, you asked me.” Deal reasoned.

“I thought it bothered your obsessive-compulsive attitude.” Sam joked.

“I never viewed you as ‘unsanitary’.” To enforce this claim, Deal took another bite of Sam’s candy bar.

“Oh, you can have it, you know.”

“I’d rather share it with you.” Deal winks at Sam in a flirtatious way.

Sam shoves the candy bar in Deal’s mouth, and giggles. “Don’t do that again. It isn’t you.”

“Why not?” Deal asks after swallowing the last bite of the candy bar. Sam answers his question with a glare. He chuckled. “I hope Tyson didn’t upset you a while ago. If you didn’t stop me, I would’ve beaten him to a pulp.” Deal rolls the sleeves of his school uniform to his elbows as he says this.

“You wouldn’t. Stop hurting Tyson, okay?” Sam sits beside Deal. She tucks her legs under her, so that her skirt wouldn’t expose too much of her. Deal watched her, he couldn’t help but get amused by the way she was having a hard time finding the right position that wouldn’t expose what’s underneath her skirt. He took the SJA jacket from his bag, and placed it on Sam’s lap. She smiled and thanked him. The two slowly became silent. Sam took her DSLR out of her bag, and took shots of the scenery before them. The sunset was beautiful at SJA. The school was situated on a not really urbanized area, hence the proximity of the school to nature. The sun’s fiery orange light tinted the surroundings, and Sam made sure she took good pictures. When it was getting a bit dark, she took a picture of themselves—Deal’s and her cheeks pressing close together. After the shot was taken, Deal didn’t disengage their cheeks. The distance between the two slowly closed in until Sam found herself leaning on Deal’s shoulder.

“Why do you put up with me like this?” Sam asked as she clutched Deal’s sides. They were speeding on his motorbike. They were already on the road right beside Cerulean Point—one of the few good beaches in the city that wasn’t turned into a resort yet. They were close to Sam’s neighborhood. Deal didn’t seem to hear Sam because of the helmet that covered his whole head. Sam was both disappointed and glad that he didn’t hear her. She rested her head against Deal’s back as she watched a familiar beachside house grow smaller and smaller as they slowly left Cerulean Point. You don’t deserve me, Deal. As she silently told the boy she held on to, memories of walking on the shores of the beach flashed in her mind. She remembered the smell of the ocean, the feel of sand between her toes, and the coolness of the breeze as she sat on one of the flat rocks found in the beach.

The night was quiet, but for some reason, Sam heard the strumming of a guitar. The vivid memory of a boy with honey-brown hair and eyes as blue as the ocean singing to her squeezed her heart. She began to sob, and she hoped that Deal didn’t hear her.

He did though. He even heard her earlier question. Deal chose silence, because he knew answering would complicate things even more. When they reached Sam’s house, Deal pulled over. He waited for Sam to move, but she didn’t. “Come on, Sam. We’re home.” Deal got off his bike, and looked at Sam. She was falling asleep. He chuckled at her weary expression. “Nothing new about that.” He made her ride his back, and he walked gingerly to the front door. Sam’s grandmother opened the door for them, and greeted them. “Thank you for taking care of my Samantha, Dillan.”

Deal merely smiled at the elderly woman. It’s not as if it’s the first time I’ve done this. I’m used to it. Besides, I like doing this. He walked into Sam’s room, and gently settled her on her bed. Sam gave him a sleepy smile as he pulled a blanket to her shoulders. “Good night, Sam.” He gave her hand a light squeeze before he started leaving. A whisper stopped him in his tracks, but he tried to ignore the pain that it brought him. “Godfried.” she said.

Deal wanted Sam to forget about Godfried… Spyke. She clearly hasn’t moved on, but he couldn’t force her to. She didn’t ask for his companionship. He was the one who stuck to her like glue ever since… that day.

He slowly shut the door to Sam’s room.

Chosen - Prologue & Chapter One

2010-05-27T19:31:00.005+08:00

This story was based on a series of dreams that I had back in Second Year High School. A new dream meant a new episode. I love this story because it has a meaningful yet weird birth. Artists make masterpieces out of their dreams, ya know. Read and review. Thank you! All rights reserved. I will kill you if you copy this in any way without my permission.

Note: The characters are kinda based on some Ogoys. :P Guess who's who. Deal Foster is NOT an Ogoy though. He's just some guy from my dream. DEAL is his name in my dream.

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The hallway was bustling with students—clueless freshmen and snobbish upperclassmen alike. Mustering all of his self-confidence, Oliver makes his way through the crowd and onto a little booth with the words ‘Welcome Back to School’ in big black letters. He told himself that he had to hurry before the line got any longer.

To his surprise, no one was at the booth except for the petite brunette who was in charge of it. Everyone else was just too busy with getting reacquainted with their peers.

“Good morning!” the girl beamed. “Here to get your class schedule?”

“Ye-es.” Oliver stammered. “I’m uh, Oliver Simons.”

“Simons? Okay, wait a sec.” she replied while turning to her laptop. Without delay, she typed Oliver’s name into the database and began printing out his schedule. “Here. I guess I’ll see you in class, huh? I’m Megan Short, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you. And thanks, Megan.” Oliver managed a feeble smile. He wasn’t an expert when it came to dealing with the opposite sex. Besides, girls weren’t always this friendly to him. After courteously excusing himself, he went on his way to look for his first class. His class schedule looked strange to him. Back in his old school, all subjects had their own respective rooms. You always had to run for your next class with the hope of beating your professor to it. Oliver’s expression became thoughtful. Maybe having classes in one classroom had its perks.

Without noticing, he runs into a girl who was standing in the middle of the hallway. A yelp of surprise escaped from her mouth as she fell to her knees. Oliver quickly gets back to his senses, “Sorry about that.” he said as he extended a hand to the girl. Her wavy blonde hair obscured her face at first, but as she stood up with his help, a tint of pink appeared on her creamy skin. “No, it was nothing.” she whispered. He was about to open his mouth to reply, but the girl darted pass him. She seemed to be in a hurry all of a sudden.

“First day of school.” He muttered under his breath.

Chapter 1: First Friend

“Hey there!” the girl named Megan greeted as Oliver took a seat beside her. He suddenly felt nervous again. The seats at the back were usually the best choice for a newcomer, but then there was already an official seat plan. He was forced to comply with sitting at the front row, right beside the door. He managed a weak smile.

“Oh c’mon, don’t be shy. We’ve already met, remember?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, bu—”

“No but’s! We’ll make a great team, you know. I can feel it.”

A great team. He didn’t seem to understand what she was saying. “Right.”

Megan raised an eyebrow. She clearly wasn’t happy with her seatmate’s disposition. He did seem nice, but maybe she had to figure out how to get through his preliminary defenses. Oliver noticed her sudden mood change. He wondered if he was being too closed up. Wasn’t he always like this though? Engaging into sudden friendships wasn’t really his style, but then he felt that Megan was right. Something in him thought that they would be good friends—or in her words, a team.

“Let’s start over.”

“Huh?”

“Hi, I’m Oliver Simons. I’ve recently moved here because of my father’s work. Let’s be good friends.” He extended his hand.

At first, Megan hesitated, but as Oliver widened his smile, she returned one graciously. “Megan Short. I grew up here. I’d gladly give you a tour if you’re up for one.” She grabbed his hand and shook it.

“Great. I’ll remember that.” Oliver said as he took his hand back. All the nervousness crept away from his body. He was beginning to get the hang of this new life.

The school bell rang. Even before it halted, a man appeared on the doorway. He had one arm on the doorframe and the other had a thick book tucked under it. A serene expression was present on the relatively short man’s alabaster face. “Good morning class.” he said as he stepped in and leaned against the teacher’s table casually. Oliver noticed that most of the girls in class were giggling and whispering in delight. Looking sideways, he noticed that even Megan had a dreamy look on her face. He scanned the man from head to toe. Today’s faculty color seemed to be black. The man was clad in white pants and a black collared shirt. The school seal was emblazoned on the breast pocket. Oliver shook his head. This guy’s a cliché—young school teacher who’s the object of schoolgirl daydream.

“It seems as if no one’s interested in replying.”

“Good morning!” the girls greeted at once. All of the boys followed, but seemed irritated at first.

“Where’s Professor Vargas?” a boy from the back asked. Everyone turned to him. They seemed to have the same question. Oliver was clearly out of place. He didn’t know anything about the professor that the boy was referring to.

“Tyson!” another boy stood up. “Show some respect. You’re referring to someone older here. At least raise your hand.” He shook his head in distaste.

“Give me a break, Deal. It isn’t campaign period yet.” Tyson retorted.

“Hold your horses, boys. This isn’t a debate class.” The man said as he motioned both boys to take their seats. “Professor Vargas, unfortunately, is on an important trip. I’ll be substituting him for the time being. I’m Nicholas Vargas.”

“Huh? Where’s the logic in that?” Tyson asked.

“An interesting question, Mr. Richardson.” Nicholas eyed the shocked Tyson. “I’m Nicholas the Third.”

“Oh, alright.”

Deal adjusted his glasses. “Please forgive his insolence, Professor… erm, Vargas.” He then shot a warning glance to Tyson.

“No damage done, Mr. Foster.”

With the sound of his last name, Deal went from surprised to curious. “Sir, I’m sure Tyson’s equally shocked by your familiarity with us,” he paused, “how did you come to know of our names?”

Nicholas chuckled. “Who doesn’t know the names of the Elite?” When that did not seem to satisfy Deal, he added, “My father keeps your records. Since I’ll be substituting his class, I scanned through them.” He waited until everyone settled down. The students seemed unnerved by what he divulged. “Don’t worry. I only looked at the basics. There’s no need to panic.” He took a glance at his watch, “We’re running out of time. Let’s get to know each other, shall we?”

Oliver let out a long sigh of relief. He was now sitting in the cafeteria—this meant that he survived the first half of the day. It was a good sign. A piece of chicken and a lump of mashed potato was staring back at him. Today’s menu didn’t quite interest him, but he slowly got through it anyway. He was honestly enjoying the day. Megan Short was sitting right across him, and was providing good company. She was busy chattering about random things.

Then he saw her. A small group of students suddenly made their entrance. All eyes were fixed towards their direction. Oliver, on the other hand, had his eyes on the blonde that he bumped into earlier. With strangely perfect synchronization, the group found their way to the middle most table and took their seats. Most of the people got back to eating the remains of their lunch while others continued to admire them in silence.

“Hey Oliver, you seem to be engrossed on the Elite.” Megan teased.

“Huh?” Oliver averted his gaze and snapped it towards Megan. “I wasn’t. Elite? What’s that all about?”

“Oh yeah, you are new. The Elite are a group of talented students who excel in their own chosen fields. They’re the best of the best in this high school.” She explained as she looked at the group. “Don’t you recognize them?”

Oliver shot another glance at the group, and was shocked. The two boys from his class were also there. Actually, all of the people within the group were in his class. He tilted his head to the side. “I wonder why I missed that.”

“You were staring at Bianca Luke.” When Oliver’s expression became all the more confused, Megan added, “She’s that blonde you were staring at.”

“Wait, how did you—”

“I’m a keen observer.” She hastily replied. “She’s your typical bombshell, huh?” her tone did not seem to match her comment. Her forehead creased.

For a while, he stared at the now gloomy Megan. The girl seemed to be psychic, but he knew better than to believe that. Oliver turned his attention back to Bianca Luke, but looked down just as fast when he noticed that she caught him staring. When he felt it was safe again, he went back to looking over. This time, he was observing the whole group now.

Deal Foster, the one who seemed to be the next council president, was busy chatting with a girl with long jet black hair. Both their expressions were stern as they went on with their conversation. Tyson Richardson, on the other hand, was chatting up Bianca Luke while sticking a drumstick to his mouth. Bianca merely nodded from time to time. The last boy at the table wore a pair of thick glasses. He seemed to be assembling some sort of contraption with his screwdriver.

Oliver was awestruck with the way the group commanded the whole cafeteria’s attention. They certainly stood out with that air of confidence they carried. “You’re still staring at them.” Megan said matter-of-factly. Oliver turned to his newfound friend to discover that she was raising an eyebrow at him. Before he knew it, Megan was already dragging him towards the Elite’s table. “Hey, wai—“ For a girl Megan’s size, she sure is strong.

“Hey Meg.” Tyson greets as he stands up to offer his chair. Oliver could’ve sworn he saw a look of relief on Bianca’s face the moment Tyson turned his attention to Megan.

“Thanks, Tyson.” Megan smiles as she takes a seat. “Guys, this is Oliver Simons. Remember him? He’s our new classmate.”

“Oh, the new guy. Nice to meet you.” Tyson says. The enthusiasm in his voice from seeing Megan was obviously gone when he eyed Oliver.

Deal and the girl—who Megan introduced as Samantha Lee—beside him offered Oliver welcoming smiles. Bianca greeted him with a soft “Hi”. The boy with the screwdriver didn’t even look at Oliver. He was too busy working. “Oh, don’t get offended, Oliver. That’s Anthony, our mad scientist in the making. He rarely talks.” Megan said. Anthony still seemed oblivious even with Megan’s comment.

“So, who’s up for some pizza after class?” Tyson suggested.

“Oh, I am!” Megan enthusiastically waves her hand. “How about—“

“Sorry, guys. Lunch is over. Nick the Third sent me a text. He wants us to head to HQ straight away.” Deal interjected. His gaze met everyone else’s, then to Oliver. “You’re coming with us.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Ask questions later, Oliver. Let’s go.” Megan takes Oliver by the hand and drags him to the group’s destination. They went up several flights of stairs, and Oliver found himself panting. Everyone else seemed used to it, and was somehow bored by the journey. It turns out that their destination was the roof deck, where the school’s greenhouse was located. They went through a jungle of green plants and colorful flowers until they found a door. It had a security lock on it, and a sign that said “Danger. High Voltage area.” Oliver asked himself if his new found friends were crazy because they were planning to step into a place that would spell death for them. Deal took a keycard from his pocket and swiped it in the lock’s card hole. What Oliver saw when the door opened made his jaw drop.

Unfit for the Pedestal

2009-12-08T15:00:00.000+08:00

It's hard... It's hard to be placed on a scale with another girl. I don't like being compared with someone. I don't like trying to prove myself to anyone. Day by day, it feels like I've been doing just that. Looking at people square in the face has become a burden. For a while now, I thought I mastered that, but I was wrong. I feel so inferior in front of their eyes. I feel out of place even if I supposedly have a place.

I'm not beautiful. I do not have flawless and radiant skin. I have dark skin. I have blemishes. My body is not lust-worthy. I am thin and lampa. Boys don't even care to give me a glance.

I'm not smart. Maybe people think I am, but I'm just an average student. My number of medals and certificates are minimal. AND my parents don't bribe teachers and the administration to get me in the honors' class or to let me get a medal at graduation. I may fail exams or fail to give the right answer in a recitation, but I do not cheat.

I am not responsible. I cram. I'm lazy. I'm not grade conscious. I am not Ms. (insert school here) University material.

I'm not talented. I can't carry a tune. I have two left feet. I'm not a fast learner. I lack creative juices. I'm not much, but...

I am a writer, an average but decent one. Though my course won't provide me with a huge salary and a professional license, it is what I want and it is a path for a noble job. Someday, I'll be putting my life on the line because of my passion and I believe that's something great. I willbe somebody someday. Writing, heart, and dreams may be all I have to boast about, but at least I'm true.

I know I'm plain. I know I'm average. You don't need to rub it in. You don't need to tell me that the love of my life isn't for me... that he and I don't match. You don't have to remind me about those other girls. You don't need to make me stay up every night, thinking and crying about my insecurities. I'm not her. I'm not THEM.

I'm just Jemm. I hope you'll learn to let me (us) be happy, too.

The Sun

2009-05-26T14:38:00.007+08:00

He was like the sun—he gave me warmth and life. I could never have him because the other planets needed him, too. I try to break away, but it’s impossible to live without him.

Post deleted.

I don't need the sun. I won't be a planet anymore. Now, I'll be the moon. I'm back to being Jupiter's Callisto.
-06/12/09

The Final Waltz

2008-03-13T13:49:00.005+08:00

The neon lights flickered as the fog suddenly cleared. It was already late in the evening, and the dancing had been going on for quite some time now. Everyone(including the timid, anti-socialists) was enjoying themselves. The lively dance music stopped, and a slow tune suddenly played. It was time for the couples to enjoy, I thought. I was about to take my seat, but a friend of mine suddenly got my attention and pulled me to a halt.
"I don't slow dance." I said.
"Me neither!" he chuckled for a moment, "Would you care to try with me?"
"Uh, sure."

I felt out of place at that time. Dancing was a thing of the past for me, and I was used to just being a spectator during social gatherings like this. Fate must have other plans for me tonight. The boy I was dancing with seemed as if he was enjoying himself. I tried my best to keep up with his pace and commented on random things just for the sake of not being too boring. Out of curiosity, I started to scan the crowd. I saw the familiar faces of my classmates and friends. They seemed to be having a lot of fun. "Wait, isn't that..?" I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. It was him.

"Look, it's (girl's name) and ( his name)!" I exclaimed. "I've noticed." my friend muttered. It seemed as if he wasn't interested in what I was saying. The thought of being rude crossed my mind, but I shoved it away. I was jealous. Jealousy is my greatest enemy, and I can never ignore it. Apparently, he asked her to dance and they were loving each other's company. I contemplated on how they were having a good time while I continued to cater to the questions of the friend I was dancing with.

As the song neared its end, I noticed that he wasn't dancing anymore. He disappeared! I felt disappointed as I turned around to face my friend, who still seemed strangely happy. "Let's exchange partners." I heard someone say. Weirdly enough, that someone had a voice similar to..
"Sure, (name)." my friend nodded to the man behind him. He silently mouthed a 'thank you' as we let go of each other. I stiffened as I felt the weight of his gaze on me. He gingerly took my hand and gave me his usual smirk. In order to conceal my anxiety, I desperately talked about what song might be playing next. To my surprise, it was a song from Lifehouse. It has been one of my favorite love songs, and I couldn't believe that I was actually dancing to it with someone who was actually special(due to the lack of any other appropriate adjective) to me.

As I mentioned earlier, I was tense. I may not be a great singer, but I can(if not try) to carry a tune. Hence, I started to sing along without any shame. Surprisingly, he started to sing with me as well. It was obvious that he wasn't quite familiar with the song, but still he tried to make out the lyrics. I found it sweet. I was already enjoying the dance, but then he suddenly placed my hands on his shoulders. The tension, along with the guilty pleasure of giddiness, came racing through my body again. My heart was thumping so hard, and I felt my cheeks turn warm. Thank God for the dim room! He looked me in the eyes for a moment, then moved his face closer to mine. I held my breath. "What was that?" he asked. He seemed interested in knowing the lyrics of the song. I motioned my mouth towards his ear and sang (against my will):

"--'Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people.."

As I was about to finish a line, he straightened up and finished it himself. "And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you." He smiled in delight at his success. I thought it was cute. A grown-man, who was often times strict and upright, can always be breathtakingly adorable when he smiles like an innocent child. Just being with him at that moment made me feel very happy. It was the dance that I always dreamed about. That night was a dream come true.

02/16/2008 - It was the best night of my life. :)

Somebody Else's Hero

2008-02-05T18:06:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wished that superheroes existed? It’s a typical question straight from your five-year old mind, probably something you’ve long forgotten, but then again, I’m pretty sure you hoped at one time in your life that they did exist. Actually, I’m not limiting the thought of ‘saving’ to damsels in distress and valiant men wearing shiny armor on dashing white horses. I’m talking about the ordinary people around us, everyone from the geek next door to your own bestfriend.

Everybody in this world has the capability to be hero for someone else without even noticing it. But when it comes to the complicated feelings brought about by the heart, we tend to be quite choosy of the ‘hero’ who might be able to save us. By personal experience, I learned that when sadness comes along and when everybody tries their best to make you smile, you usually do not comply with them simply because the words of comfort didn’t come from the person you wanted to hear it from. It’s an unpleasant attitude yet don’t you think that it’s half true if not reality?
“Trust me. I’m telling the truth.” he breathed into my ear as I looked away. It was too much to handle, I felt too vulnerable and I loathed that weakness so much. “I don’t want to hear it.” I muttered as I turned to him, the sad look in his eyes made my heart crumble. I knew this moment would come sooner or later yet I haven’t anticipated it in a time of grief. Anxiety started to disrupt my normal breathing as I fought back my heart’s pleas of giving in to every single word that he said earlier.

Yet, my thoughts continued to linger aimlessly as my world drifted into solidarity. Yes, a big part of me did want to believe him. Then, why am I resisting? Was I doing this for the sake of contradiction? No, it was because for some out-of-this-world reason, I felt as if I was being deceived right from the very start. The pieces of the puzzle of this dilemma I was facing held no unique meaning. Every detail always led me to the same crossroad that pointed to two different words: right and wrong. Somehow, I couldn’t weigh the justifications for both sides so I was always forced to be thrown back to square one.

As I contemplated in silence, I failed to notice that he already took my hand in his and gave it a light squeeze. “I’ve done everything I could just so that you would believe me, but up until now, you still hold on to the belief that I’m simply toying with your feelings.” He shook his head in disappointment and let the unsettling air of silence take grasp of the moment. I failed to reply. Almost unconsciously, I felt my hand slip away from his hold and a yearning of escaping from reality aroused upon me.

I recounted the many battles we have lost and won together. Truly, he had saved me from many dangers and was always ready to stand by me even without me requesting for such assistance. Though numerous instances have almost broken our bond, I was always shocked to see that by the end of the day, I couldn’t separate myself from him. He was someone that I needed yet denied so many times.

Attachment. Severe Attachment; that was my problem. I wanted to be with him more than he knew, and the failure of him to comply with me led me to the option of just going through a life without his warmth. I wanted him to save me. I needed that more than anything. But of course, he too has limits and I simply cannot ask him of that just for my sake alone. Sure, I could choose selfishness, but I wanted to be fair. I struggled for a while as I tried to look him straight in the eye. I saw the fear that I was avoiding, it was reflected in those eyes of his, it was trying to tell me something. The truth.

He sighed loudly. “I have to go.” I didn’t have to hear anything else anymore. I silently wrapped my arms around him and held him in an embrace that I’ve been longing for far too long. I began to wish that I could tell him everything without doubt. I really wanted to tell him all of the words that were left unsaid if only I knew exactly what they were.

“You know, I can be your hero, but not all of the time.” I was stunned by his sudden conclusion. Maybe he knew it all long. He probably understood about what I wanted right from the beginning. But, we both knew what was coming as well. A stray tear trickled down my cheek as I finally let go of him. He gave me a faint smile before I walked away without looking back.

I wanted him to be my hero, but he and I knew that he was already Somebody Else’s Hero.

Just a Good Jest

2008-01-09T19:16:00.001+08:00

“He’s a jerk, don’t trust him.”

“I can’t just walk away.”

“All he wants to do is to break your heart.”

“He’s my friend.”

“I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“…” I chose not to speak, that statement came tumbling out of his mouth in a protective yet strange way. He wasn’t himself, and the glare in his eyes made me think that I was talking to a total stranger.

(name), he’s a good friend of mine, we’ve known each other for quite some time now and I think it’s safe to say that we see each other in a ‘special’ yet still friendly way. I secretly like him, but I never dared to flirt with him or make him think I’m actually interested in him. I had boundaries set between us, not until that little experience.

He never fails to amaze me. He has this vivacious attitude towards me, a trait that he conceals when he’s with other people. I’m not saying that I think I’m special because of that, but it’s the truth. He loves to jest about whoever I’ll end up with; he’ll even tease me to a guy who seems to be hinting romantic feelings towards me. “Don’t be fooled, okay? He’s just another liar.” he’d say whenever it was my turn to talk about a guy I’m interested with. A reaction like that would startle any girl, but I’m not hoping for anything out of his peculiar behavior. I know he’s interested in some other girl; he met her a couple of years before we became friends. I only know her by name for he always seems to avoid any questions about her.

There are instances when he seems to purposely drag me away from friends just so we could sit quietly in one corner. I feel quite awkward each time he does that, he tends to act too reserved and distracted. “Dance with me.” he eerily whispered at one of those rare occasions. All I did was giggle and comply with his request. I thought it was not like him, he and I usually have this constant agreement when it came to differentiating sweet from cheesy. What he did that night surely wasn’t our definition of sweet. Yet for some reason, I went home with a smile on my face.

I’ve been going through a roller coaster of emotions just trying to figure out why I seem to be falling for him at one time, and then completely forgetting about the emotions at another. Truly, he is important to me and I do not know what life would be like without him. I never regretted about abruptly meeting him and I know I will always treasure our short yet memorable times together. He’s leaving soon, and we both have that in mind. There was an instance when I was able to bring up the topic when we were together. I told him that I’d miss him a lot yet all he seemed to do was give me this sheepish grin. I’ve been dreading about his departure yet I knew I had no right to tell him to stay.

“Goodbye, (name).” I was able to say. I had a fake smile on my face and tried to make it sound like a playful joke though I knew I was hurt inside. There was an awkward silence after that. He stared at me with a serious look in his eyes; he didn’t seem to like my so-called joke at all. I more or less got the idea anyway.

Before I knew it, he was already shaking his head in disapproval. I bit my lip as he did. “I’ll come back. It’ll never be ‘goodbye’; it will always just be ‘see you soon’.” My heart fluttered in bittersweet bliss. I was already convinced.. I’ve fallen for him.

Love’s Light II: I Sought Eternity

2007-12-09T14:15:00.001+08:00

Note: Before reading this post, I suggest you read the prequels to this which are The Interlude and Hatred is Love. They'll surely give you a better insight of what I will be trying to express in the next posts for the Love's Light Trilogy.

“On a starry night,

I sought for eternity.

It was in your eyes.”

The first night of December was a time for laughter and relaxation, or so I thought. The day started out quite badly due to the backfiring of a certain rehearsal organized by Mark and me which really caused us to be in hot water.

But it was during that night when I finally found tranquility as I sat back in the car that was bound for the city’s boulevard. Though my eyes seemed to be brimming with tears that weren’t supposed to be there, I savored the peace of being with friends. As everyone excitedly left the car to eat some exotic street food, my sorrow seemed to engulf my very being as minutes passed.

After giving everyone a half-smile and telling them they shouldn’t worry about me, I head for the backseat of the car and sat down on the edge of the entrance as I wrote a poem that suddenly popped out of my head while we were in La Vista earlier that night. I didn’t know what to do, the source of my pain and happiness was sitting at the passenger seat that was just one seat behind me. He was busy with his cellular phone.

“Jemm, you have a text message from (name).” Earl said as he motioned my cell phone to me. I silently cursed Earl for saying it out loud, considering the person he was talking about was just right behind us. I took a quick glance at the passenger seat and noted that he was still engrossed at his phone. I hurriedly grabbed my phone from Earl and browsed my inbox until I found his name. My heart skipped a beat then.

The next few minutes of the night were filled with innocent delight then, a new feeling of glee always stirred up in me as my phone’s screen lit up with the text ‘1 new message received’. I was being so childish. It was funny how we were just an earshot away yet we chose to communicate through SMS. He would frequently turn to ask me something random between text messages and I would wittily answer them until my brain drained with all of his quizzical inquiries.

“Your unlimitext is up na ‘noh? Hahaha!” one of his text messages read when I completely forgot about replying to one of his jokes. We were both annoying each other that night because of a bet that came out of nowhere. There came a time when I was able to reply, “So what happens if one of us quits? I’ve ran out of words to say na eh..” and thought that it would conclude everything. I was shocked to read his reply, “Then we’ll continue our repartee the next day.” I guess I secretly didn’t want it to end that easily too.

The excitement ended as I boarded our own car infront of the Ateneo’s vicinity. Dad was furious because it was late at night and I was busy hanging around with boys(he didn’t take into consideration that I was also with Shaneen, Cindy, Melody and Felisse that time). I tried to ignore his nagging by noticing that I’ve been texting him for almost the whole night already. I promptly yet hesitantly said “Good night.” right after he asked me if I was already ‘sleypi(sleepy)’.

I could say he saved me that night; I was very glad that he noticed my depressed mood and decided to approach me by teasing me. I guess he’d never know how much that night meant to me ‘cause during that time, I sought for answers and a sign that I was worthy of his companionship.. the answer came.. and it was in his eyes. :)

*This concludes part two of Love’s Light: I Sought Eternity.

Love's Light I: Hatred is Love

2007-12-03T18:37:00.000+08:00

Note: Before reading this post, I suggest you read the prequel to this which is The Interlude. It'll surely give you a better insight of what I will be trying to express in the next posts for the Love's Light Trilogy.

“No, Jemm. You have to do it.” Mark said, trying hard to compete with the crowd in a certain school’s gym. I gave him a sarcastic smile just when we were about to finally walk down the stage’s staircase.
“I seriously can’t.” I tried to say in a convincing manner.
“(name), we dared Jemm to hug you if ever she wins.”
I didn’t want to look at the reaction on his face, but it was quite inevitable to do so. I squinted my eyes; pretending to be embarrassed and turned to him.
“Oh, sure.” He said at once as he eyed me. I had to stop my jaw from dropping as I saw him with open arms. Without a second thought, I took one step towards him, wrapped my arms around his abdomen (I guess) and buried my face in his chest. The spark of the moment caused me not to remember anything else but Mark and Melody saying ‘Aww.’ I pulled back soon enough and all four of us left the stage in silence.

Cheers to new beginnings.

“Ugh, what’s his name? That (name)-guy? I’ll talk to him, he’ll surely listen to me.” I said arrogantly. Everyone else was worried and tense so I thought I should give pep-talking a shot. They didn’t seem convinced, I could really tell by the skeptical looks on their faces. So, I set off towards every possible location where in I could actually find him.

After half an hour, I found myself running down the staircase of the east wing of our school. I was sobbing and I knew my eyes were already filled with tears. Another few minutes later, my classmates were already consoling me as one of them gave me a comforting hug. I was completely devastated with the events that happened in less than fifteen minutes. Who knew my first absent would cause me that much trouble?

The sentence: “Hmm. I’ll think about it.”, kept on echoing in my head the following night. I was undeniably flabbergasted and I wanted to scream out all of the pain for the sake of catharsis. The school year’s beginning couldn’t have been any worse than having to lose my membership in the club that I love so much. I was going to lose something absolutely precious to me all because of him, that ‘bohemian excuse’ for a man!
I’ll cut the intro short now for the sake of not making the reader bored to death. Honestly, writing this blog is quite hard for me. It’s not because I’ve suddenly forgot how to express my emotions, but the reasons are very complicated. Firstly, mere words are not enough in order to fully express my feelings for this certain someone. Secondly, I have to be quite careful with the details that I include here though many know of his identity. The list goes on and on, but let’s just move on with the story.

The first couple of paragraphs that are not italicized speak of the beginning of my constant encounters with him, and though it isn’t that clear, he actually made my life miserable. During the end of July, I started loathing the sight of the man’s muscular figure in the hallway and labeled his pretty face as an eyesore. I never knew I could hate someone who deserved my respect that much. As time passed, my hatred seemed to grow in size and proportion. Everyone seemed to take my loathing as a joke and even mockingly told me that he was my ‘best friend’. In the end, I sarcastically conceded and thought of it as something very amusing. So I learned to be such a little devil over the first quarter of the school year, I taught myself how to destroy his image and constantly called him ‘gay’ or ‘bohemian’. (Yes, I am quite aware of my sins)

Yet during the second week of October, there came a time when a bar of Choco Mucho actually became a bridge of that gap between him and me. By that time, my hatred turned into infatuation, and the reasons remain unknown even on the day I typed this sentence. I strangely grew in love with getting the attention of this strange man amidst my classmates’ constant teasing and Brother Shio’s hilarious set-ups. Love’s light was being held over me by the person I hated the most. The words “Tara, let’s go na.” gave way to one of the weirdest infatuations I ever had.

Uh-oh. That wasn’t a good sign.

*This concludes part one of Love’s Light: Hatred is Love.

The Interlude

2007-11-28T22:15:00.000+08:00

Love is factor that greatly affects my life, it provides me with occasional conundrums that are sometimes virtually impossible to figure out and of course it serves as a reason for me to wake up each day with a smile on my face. Yet, love’s effects cannot be limited to only two cases; the former statements are simply generalizations that would serve as introductions on the deeper subject. And this entry serves as a formal starting point of a new blog and it doubles as the finish line of my past entries that have had ambiguous endings.

The flourishing chrysanthemum of an innocent and unconditional friendship has withered. The hero that has frequently saved me in my dreams has now turned into a villain. I’ve faced reality. The prince that was believed to be the epitome of perfection was actually a fraud. And the smoke has cleared in the battle between two foes; the silent siege has ended with two individuals finally seeing each other in a perfectly different light.. the light of friendship..

It's a time to welcome new beginnings and to bury the hatchet..

“To love and be loved is the great happiness of existence.”

With reference to the English writer who once said this, indeed, he was right. Almost everyone, if not the whole world, wishes to love and be loved back. Many believe that it’s one of the greatest experiences one can ever go through in a lifetime, and even I once thought of it that way.

Putting aside my perspective of not knowing what true love is due to my age and all, I have always sought for my own fairytale that included a conventional prince charming. Laughable as it maybe, most girls think that way and I admittedly have my own share of childish daydreams. I’m a hopeless romantic and will always be. I’m quite in love with the idea of falling in love and having a clichéd happy ending. I’ve had my own variety of countless crushes that were thought of as real love, and the objects of infatuation have ranged from the smartest guy in kindergarten class to the high school’s hottest jock. And of course, there was never an instance when I stood content of being just another face to each of those boys’ eyes.

I’m not one to dwell on my foolish mistakes forever; I usually move on quite quickly and choose to never raise anything from the dead no matter what may occur. These humiliating mishaps of mine usually are the fruits of the desire to obtain the great happiness of existence. Yes, and that is to finally love and be loved. I’ve always followed this paradigm that allowed me to think that if I worked hard enough, maybe this crush would learn to notice me [how juvenile of me, I know] and would probably even learn to return my affections. It’s quite a foolish way of thinking but you should be aware that I know quite a number of individuals who continue to believe the paradigm even at this very time and age. It was a bad mistake, and I admit to that fact. That sort of mindset belongs to pauper-turned-princesses in your classic fairytales and therefore cannot be applied in reality.

After learning the hard way, I’ve simply abolished any feelings of love towards any individual in a romantic level. I placed aside my drastic ideas of dashing balls and destined encounters and reserved them for my storybooks. Half a year of sorrow and contemplation led me to being more practical about my relationships with other people. I noted that detachment was something I was supposed to keep in my mind and that my bonds with others should always be ‘never too strong yet never too weak’. Although my emotional armor has now been weakened due to heart-breaking blows and tear-streaking assaults, I grew more mature about my own actions and thoughts. My heart is finally in control, and my mind is thoroughly conditioned, I really believed that nobody could cause me to be dazzled by love’s light ever again..

But to my surprise, I was dead wrong.

A Silent Siege

2007-09-29T20:07:00.000+08:00

“Uh, Jemm. Could you please pass me the masking tape?” It was early June and school had just started back then. I was currently trying to fit into my new class amidst my many anxieties and insecurities. My fellow groupmates and I were sitting on the floor and trying to accomplish some sort of ‘Welcome Back to School’ sort of activity as we tried to get used to each other. I was lost in the world of daydream due to the fact that I still haven’t gotten used to the early wake up calls and was close to snoozing up until I heard his voice. “Jemm.” He repeated, and I was utterly shaken. It was the first time he even noticed me and he actually even knew of my existence. He knew me! Hooray!

But then, things weren’t as pleasant as they were the first time we talked. I always thought of him as an object of obscurity, some guy who wouldn’t invite me to his birthday party and who only turned to me when he needed an extra sheet of paper. Why was I hoping for any sort of contact with this boy? Well, I’m not sure. I have to admit that he was one of my Elementary crushes but of course, there must really be some sort of reason that drags me towards him.

He’s an arrogant guy, quite aware of his looks and capabilities, and he walks with an air of unique confidence and superlative pride. I think the latter description is the one characteristic that makes him seem so attractive to me even though they deem to be quite negative traits in the first place. He has often noted my presence each time we walked passed each other in the premises of the school or exchanged glances in the cafeteria during our lunch breaks and of course I too gave him that same benefit for I often ponder if he considers me as a friend or merely a schoolmate.

He once enthusiastically told me to be more talkative when I'm with my peers and discouraged my endless reading of books when I'm with other people on one late afternoon. I was drawn back by his sudden urge to say anything to me other than ask for information about school projects and the like. As I’ve said, this boy really knows nothing more than to ask me leeching questions and tedious advices. At that moment, I stood up, acknowledged his suggestion and began talking to the rest of the people around us as I deliberately looked back at him each time I felt like it. From that day on, I thought of him as an ‘okay guy’ and suddenly began to remove the ‘spoiled brat label’ that I’ve stamped on his head the moment I felt that my relationship with him was being abused.

A few amusing moments and giddy weeks later, I began to think that he was so full of himself again and thought of him as the most air-headed guy on earth. Honestly, all he ever does is fool around and fix those annoying strands of chocolate hair (which are quite attractive) on his forehead every once in a while. Now I must confess that even if he is such an arrogant jerk, I’ve gathered my thoughts and finally came to the conclusion that I do like him. Especially now, at this time when he hasn’t been noticing me and it’s probably been two weeks since he ever said a word to me. I actually hate this and I won’t give these feelings room for growth because I’ve longed forgotten what it’s like to be falling for a male that’s close to my age group (~.o). Alright, I must say that it was entirely my fault that we’re having this silent siege as of now. I’ve been in rage for the past few weeks because my feelings were subsequently hurt because of some confidential reason I cannot talk about. My nights were always full of regret and sheer anger itself so almost anything could trigger me to flare up and be brutally rude.

He approached me with an inquiry that had been bothering him since the night before and he was straightforward in asking me about my disgust on a particular piece of document which he greatly took part in. He told me of course that he strongly disagreed with me, flashed a smile and pushed me into seeing everything from his point of view. His cuteness almost got the better of me especially when he stood close to me and flashed a simple yet bewitching smile. But I stayed stubborn and told him that I will not change my opinion on the subject and still think of the whole thing as rubbish. He eagerly asked me to reason out with him but all I did was make a few hand gestures and simply walked away from the scene.

I never realized that little act I did would distant me from him from then on. This consequence didn’t bother me when we saw each other outside of my classroom just a few minutes after the confrontation for I was still quite enraged. But as my worries subsided and I hopefully looked at him, he gave me this new look of loathing and I was forced to wage with him a silent siege as well. We now pretend to be oblivious to each other’s presence and never dared to acknowledge each other’s existence as well. All we ever do now is exchange glances in silence and give each other the benefit of the doubt. He is now an object of hatred and a complete stranger to me at this point and I may stand as the same thing to him. But as I’ve said, I’m in doubt right now and I don’t really know if I’ve hurt his feelings through my ruthless remarks. As you can see, I find myself staring at his name on my Instant Messenger at times and just hinder my fingers from typing him a short ‘sorry’ that is quite unsure and out of the blue. This is how silent sieges are, you know. Quite enigmatic and full of questions, you never even know if the person you’re in war with is mad at you or what. That’s just the way these things work and you can never resolve them without a formal confrontation. And if you’re curious, I am so not ready for one..

***

Another weird entry. Forgive my typos, I've no patience for editing..

Comments are appreciated. Good day/night to you.. :)

Prelude to a New Sunrise

2007-08-16T21:15:00.000+08:00

Note: This is a tentative prologue for Prelude to a New Sunrise, otherwise jokingly known as 'By The River of Abong-abong I Sat Down and Splashed Water on Your Face'.

***

"Why would you kid about something like that?" he asked with a stern tone.

I failed to meet his gaze though I felt the intensity of the look he gave me. It was early in the evening judging from the time we took off in his car from my house. He had been quite serious back then as I opened the door to my house to meet him. A shocking turn of events indeed, looking at what happened earlier this morning. Now, we found ourselves standing in the middle of the baseball field in utter silence. I felt chilly as the wind blew by, it was a cold night and I didn't have the luxury of bringing a jacket along. Not like he did.

"Please say something, Clara."

I didn't budge at his request. I wanted to avoid all this ruckus; he knew that. Still, after moments of idleness passed, I found no words to throw back at him.

"Are you mad at me?" he took the liberty of pulling my shoulder to face him, his grip was tight and the shock of the moment caused me to look at him. "If I said 'yes' then that wouldn't be the whole truth but then again," I paused to take a deep breath, I felt as if my heart would've burst right then and there if I didn't, "If I said 'no', then I would be lying." he still retained his reserved expression even after I spoke. His silence conveniently added the tension within me. This is all my fault. I thought, I should have declined his offer to eat out. I am all to blame for letting him talk me into drinking until we couldn't stay up any longer until dawn. I could've declined his offer to eat out as well. I should've went home when I knew that this was coming yet I didn't. I chose to be with him. The wine had loosened my tongue up to the point that I even spoke of my well-kept feelings for him.

"I'm sorry, okay?" his expression suddenly softened as he whispered this. "It was immature of me to react impulsively."

"I--" At that moment, nothing seemed right anymore than it already was. I asked myself whether I should be here or not even though I knew quite well that I wasn't going to get any answers from anyone tonight. I took a moment to look up at the sky. The stars shimmered in perfect splendor, the moon started to wane with a solemn feel and then the thick rain clouds ruthlessly started to cover up the bright night sky. The rain started to pour now and I felt the icy water that trickled down my cheeks. Does this mean anything? I sighed. This rain, it tells me of all the years I've waited for this man who was standing right infront of me. These raindrops are like the sorrows that have been concealed within my heart and the tears that I've stopped from falling for so long. I looked into his eyes and an untimely yet reflexive smile came to my lips.

"I lied. I do love you."

And there was silence once again. The darkness had now covered the expression on his face, I couldn't tell of whatever he was feeling right now. For a while, I caught a glimpse of that silver crucifix around his neck under the fading moonlight. Seeing that necklace just made the tension in me build up even more. I gulped as I shut my eyes for a brief moment and started to prepare myself for the worst.

Will I ever see another sunrise?

***

It's incomplete and senseless for now, lol. But, that's the main idea.

The Epitome of Male Perfection

2007-08-04T20:37:00.000+08:00

I looked up at the bright golden sphere that centered the clear azure sky. The sunlight's heat was weakening for it was probably just an hour or so away from sunset. The soothing warmth made a yawn escape from my lips therefore declaring that Physical Education classes were just plain dragging.
My contemporaries were busy frolicking amongst themselves in the field, spotted balls were flying around and a bulky man was patrolling about with a whistle around his neck. I pressed the back of my wrist on my forehead as I stared blankly on the blades of fresh green grass. One of those annoying spotted balls rolled towards me. I clicked my tongue thinking that it was from one of my classmates and soon decided to bend down and grab it.
An array of muffled footsteps caused me to transfer my attention from the soiled ball towards another group of students who were jogging back and forth in two straight lines. Two boys, most likely seniors, were leading the group. They were both attractive, I guess. Those two were your typical pretty-faced jocks who had the ability to sweep the everyday high school girls off their feet with just a single glance. All of the girls except me, I think. Sure, I have to admit that those captivating smiles if theirs caught my attention right away. The words "They're cute." even crossed my mind. But, they're pretty common even so. My thoughts soon trailed off to the face of a stranger who I've grown fond of watching for the past few Physical Education sessions. With the tilt of my head and the hum of a passing breeze, I soon found myself lost in my reveries once again.
After much needless contemplation, I made a quick turn to the right to make sure everyone was still present. But as one of my friends caught my eye, I smirked in amusement. It was an unusual occurrence, her mouth was wide open and it seemed as if the shock that caused this had something to do with me. She frantically gestured me to look towards my left and I was quick to comply. "Oh my." And then I saw him, the boy clad in blue and white sportswear. His smile was breath-taking as he approached. He was only a couple of steps away from the ball in front of me when he decided to pause for a second to finally manage to do what I call a David Beckham kick. At that moment, everything seemed in slow motion and I tried my hardest to stop my jaw from dropping in awe. The boy soon stood straight in triumph, a light from the heavens descended upon him and it was as if a choir of angels sang a melodious hymn in the background.
"Cliché. You've got to be kidding me." I sighed for a while but then I couldn't deny the fact that he has enthralled me with that unique charm of his once again. This boy had stolen my heart the minute he passed by me in one of the hallways a year ago. I don't see why I'm being so obsessive about him, I barely know him and this probably is just another one of those phases of mine. But there was more to these elusive feelings than just mere infatuation, it felt quite different. I soon found myself lost in the smile he was giving me, I was really unaware that he had been trying to catch my attention the whole time I was spacing out. I felt a tint of pink appear on my face as I bowed my head a little and muttered my apologies. The afternoon seemed to fly right pass me in a great hurry that day. I learned of his name, which I've known for so long, and of course I got acquainted with my so-called Soccer Guy.
Now, everything seemed really ridiculous when class ended and I was idly standing in the almost empty soccer field. I was waiting. Yes, I was waiting for him to wrap up this day's soccer practice. Why you ask? Well, it just so happens that I found myself being invited to stay a while for a little chat or something. The whole show was really getting in my system but yet I still couldn't stop grinning and jumping in the inside. By the time we settled down in one of the basketball courts, it was already quite dark. I wondered why no one came to look for me, it was really odd but then, I pushed all of these thoughts to the very back of my mind when my male companion started to shoot some hoops. "Does this boy have any flaw?" I felt so giddy as I watched him, the scene was more like déjà vu but those occurrences in the past were always laid out this way: he's over here and I was over there. This time was different, very different.
"You seek salvation from your past.” I gulped as I heard him say those words. I asked myself over and over why he would ever come to say such a thing, what was the meaning of all of this? "Huh?", it was all that came out of my mouth along with a dumbfounded expression. I blinked in surprise as he approached me with much skepticism. The whole dreamy scene soon turned into a court hearing, I felt like I was some sort of convicted criminal and he was the honorary judge.
"You won't find peace through retreat. Face your battles, end them and be done with it."
"Retreat? Battles?" I asked yet again, rather perplexed. Everything this boy was talking about seemed to have some sort of connection to my current problems but, why would he even know about them? "What's your point?"
"You always get the wrong answers in the riddles you are given. You don't see the hints that are all around you."
"That's poppycock! Who are you to speak to me like that?" I was enraged and I didn't know how my emotions got out of hand so easily, the next thing I knew, I was already regretting having to have raised my voice. The expression on his face softened soon enough and he looked down, probably in disappointment or just in plain shock. As I was about to move to utter my apologies, he stopped me by gently laying a finger upon my lips for a while.
"I know you are aware of your wrongs, just please do something about them this time."
With that, my vision soon failed me. Everything faded into a blur and once again, I was in the soccer field. I wasn't idle this time; I was smack-dab in the middle of an activity. My group mates were already shouting like crazy, "Jemm! Move!". Not knowing what else to do, I hastily staggered with the soccer ball towards one of those flat pieces of stone that signified being "safe" in baseball terms. Why was a baseball term used during a soccer class? I asked that myself countless times as well but then again, it will forever be left unanswered. I was able to tap the ball towards the right destination but it was too late. The opposing team already beat me. I heard my group mates sigh but then I felt no regret whatsoever. I turned to face the towering mountains that lay across me with all their splendor and took a deep breath. The boy in blue and white was busy maneuvering a soccer ball near by. I sighed in relief as my staring at him was left unnoticed. He never knew me and I never knew him. Everything that conspired earlier was probably just some sort of daydream that came out of nowhere but somehow, I felt as if it wasn't. Maybe it had a deep meaning that I couldn't decipher at the moment. But alas, I soon walked away from scene with a smile.
"Good. You're still my Epitome of Male Perfection.. "
"

Bridge

2007-07-13T17:50:00.000+08:00

Past is past. Not all things in life would always go your way. Mishaps and sorrow can never be avoided. Love could die out, friendships could end and you can't really do anything to stop all these things from occuring.. Though you want to keep close bonds to everyone, you'll end up losing some friends anyway even if it's against your will and theirs. All good things come to an end sooner or later..

"Bridge"

Do you notice the bridge that's between us?
We stand on opposite sides,
It covers such a small distance
It's as simple as just a few strides

You call to me, inviting me to come along
To abide, I would but something tells me it's wrong
I ask myself if you'd welcome me in delight
The thought's ecstatic but it bewilders me with fright

From azure to grey, the sky begins to weep
Your look turns cold and your brows furrow deep
I stood dumbfounded, lost in your glare
If I were to run to you, would you still be there?

Your back is all that faces me
Your angelic face and bright smile disappeared so frigidly
I want to hurry towards you
But honestly, do you really want me to?

I ponder on why I'm making this choice
Thus, my ears ring with my own whispering voice
"I'd cross this bridge for you with much glee,
just promise to accept me as I am willingly."

A clap of thunder abruptly worsens my fear
The question lies on you now, Dear
Do you dare to cross this bridge and I to hold you tight?
Or do you wish to destroy it and I to forever be out of your sight?

*end

A symbolic yet simple piece, if I do say so myself. The exact reason that drove me to write this isn't merely my tattered heart and misguided feelings but it is somehow my way of preparing myself to part ways with my past and to finally realize that dead things can never be saved no matter what you do.. ;(

- Jemm

To lose your Heart's Desire

2007-04-20T17:29:00.000+08:00

"To find the secret name of a star,
Ask the moon that shares the sky.
Fix its place between the branches of the hawthorn tree.
Send the name to the sky on the wings of a bird.
Burn the name in fire upon the mirrored waters of the lake.
Wrap the star with heart's desire
Between the darkness and the light.
Then you shall a magus be.."- Heart's Desire by Garth Nix(page 319 of Across the Wall)

I've read the story numerous times on random occasions. It's very intriguing though quite short. It's Garth Nix's own version of the Merlin-Nimue story, an Arthurian tale. Here he tells about Nimue, a girl who Merlin took in when she was about 14 years of age because she wished to learn about magic. The two soon fell inlove with each other. Later when Nimue was old enough to get a star from the sky in order to obtain power, she was told by Merlin that she needed to give up her heart's desire to get the power she longed for. The girl Nimue was unclear of what her heart's desire was but she didn't give much attention to this for the power she always wished for was far more important than anything else to her(or so she thought). Soon when Nimue followed Merlin's instructions and shortly after she caught her star, Merlin starts to fade away right after he finished explaining to her that Nimue, after all, was his heart's desire and the one thing that he had to give up in order to obtain his powers. Nimue also realizes that her heart's desire wasn't the powers at all but Merlin as well..

I might've made it too short and unclear but that's how the story went anyway. It's cool how I never realized at first that it was Merlin who was going to be taken away because he was Nimue's heart's desire. And I never guessed that Merlin's heart's desire was Nimue.. After re-reading a lot, I finally realized that Garth Nix left a few clues stating the outcome of the story and I was never keen enough to realize it. Well, it's either that or Garth Nix is just very good at giving subtle hints that go well with the flow of the story.. How I wish I could write like him, he's a great author.. *sigh*

Nowhere To Run

2007-03-15T19:51:00.000+08:00

Diary Entry #2

Joy. It's summer time!! But thing's aren't right in my chaotic mind. I maybe able to go on with my life and smile from time to time but the unanswered questions in my head would forever haunt me at this rate. These days, I've chosen silence and I barely even speak of anything anymore. I know I've been quite a burden to many because of my numerous mood swings so I try my best to just stay quiet.

I've been reflecting on the past events detail by detail but I still cannot see why all of those things occured. There were times of bliss and sorrow, I speculate about each thing I said as well as what he said. Guilt crosses my mind all of the time because of that last heated conversation we had and then I ask myself, "Am I the one doing wrong?". I've heard what he had to say and what he told everyone else, and my gahd did all of that hurt. I don't even know if he recalled about all those things he said, those painful words.. if only he hadn't said any of them, maybe I'd be at peace. Everyday I get a few answers but I also get a lot more questions in the process. I can blame myself too, I know that. I'm weak at times and I can't exactly speak about the "deepest" thoughts in my mind when I get the chance to tell him. It's just that, as each day passed during those weeks of torment, the situation worsened and I was left clueless because I didn't even know how he felt about it. He told me that he wouldn't be affected and all that but he'd also say that he wanted me back and whatnot. This was the problem: I felt as if I spoke to different people at different times when I was only talking to one. He didn't seem to really know about what he had done. It's not because he hurt me unintentionally and all those things he threw at me that day. I was mad at him because he had to tell me that he did have the same feelings as I did for him. And after that, he now denies all of those things and speaks as if he never said all of those. He said things as if I was the one to blame because I actually loved him. But here's the thing, who in the world told me that nothing would change between us? That everything was going to be alright? That it would do good for both of us? He sounded so cold that day, he spoke as if I didn't have the right to feel.. and now, he acts this way, like we were just playing games and that he never really cared(though he says he does but it's just so complicated). Yes, I know I told him that I'd forget about all of these things but, I have realized that it's still unfair in my part. I still feel deceived and all of that. I want my friend back but it gets harder to trust anyone now after all that's happened. I don't know. I don't want to confront him anymore because all worsens whenever I do and I'm sure he's sick of all of this but, how about me? I'm sick too, I want everything to be back to normal.. I want my annoying friend back, but he treats me as if I don't exist. I try to meet his gaze but he turns the other way. I want to speak to him but it just gets harder as the gap between us grows. The worst part is, I don't know what to feel anymore. It's like he has deprived me of my freedom to love and think. I'd do anything to completely understand his mind but I guess I never really will. I've tried so many times but he truly is mysterious. He would only permit me to the very surfaces of his thoughts but never did I feel that everything he said was completely true. All of his words contradicted one another and yet he still told me that he was being clear.. Oh. I'm tired of all of this.. and no, I cannot just abandon all these things like he could.. not me.. I care too much and I'm the one stuck in this enigma..

Random Poem

2007-03-12T19:00:00.000+08:00

Thanks to this man, I made a poem and suddenly became cheerful again. Gahd, I feel so embarrassed for being so emo for one month!!

"With a fluttering glance, I gazed at him from a far
His eyes sparkled, charming face illuminated by a bright star
A tint of pink on my face, he caught my stare
I looked away; to look back I didn't dare
Faint melodies serenaded the night, beckoning me to sing along
With a single strum of his guitar, he started to play 'our' song
I mused at a few nostalgic memories; my heart throbbed in despair
His voice unconsciously called to me and this distance between us I couldn't bare
I miss him, yes, I long for him so
But all has changed, all is gone
We both just know.."

"Chris-ness.." *laughs*

Right Beside Me

2007-03-03T09:35:00.000+08:00

She furiously gnashed her teeth as she grasped the cold railings before her. She was in the verge of insanity today, she has screamed to the top of her lungs with curse words and swear words alike. She had even given into tears and had been utterly confused eversince then. She asked herself, "Who is the true villain in this epic? Is it I or him?" She slowly bit her lip as she watched the boy who was below her, he was grinning with sheer joy. She felt as if her heart suddenly stopped and a scourge of pain twisted her emotions once again. He was smiling so pleasantly; he looked so carefree. But the reason of this charming grin on his face crushed her, she slowly walked away in anguish and felt the tears in her eyes, "The 8th time." she whispered.

She was being a little too emotional again, it has always been her problem. She knew that she was being too hopeful that some miracle would occur and maybe all of this pain would just start subsiding in one way or another. But, she knew very well that it wouldn't. Why? Because the one person who could truly make all of her sufferings go away was actually the reason why she was in pain in the first place. Her unrequited love led her to this depressing state and her stubbornness caused her to hinder it not from showing, "I blame love."

Back in the comforts of her home, she sighed. She still felt the sorrow that greatly affected her daily life for almost a month now. She has been in a state of nostalgia, a very bad case indeed. She was stuck in her past and for the feeling became too addictive, making it harder for her to let go. She willfully went into a trance again and thought of everything that transpired in just about two years. A mental image of the boy who had been the one reason for all of this made her feel strangely glad. "He was always right beside me." she thought. She recalled a time when no one was there for her; a time when even her close friends weren't there to comfort her. He was there at that moment. He was merely a text message away, all she needed was to confide to him and all would be well already. He would speak to her in frank and hurtful words but it didn't really stop her from being happy at having someone who would listen to everything she had to say. She practically could pour her heart out on him and she knew very well he would just stay and listen, like he always did.

He was always special, even at times when she didn't have feelings for him. He has been one of those few people who would conventionally stay quiet and give her the comforting words she needed. He was weird in some sort of way; he actually had the patience to bear with all of her mindless ranting about random crushes and peculiar thoughts and mishaps. He would always just give her that notably famous grin of his and speak in manner where in he didn't sound bored. He has also proved to be one of those very mischievous people in her life, yet all of his crazy plots always made her smile with pure bliss and hope that the friendship they both shared would never end.

She realized that she was in too deep and she started to think that all of this probably didn't even make sense at all. Everything was lost, so why was she still stuck up with her past? Can't she just let go of all of those? "Past is past, right?" she asked herself though the pain of the thought was unbearable. She remembers again, the times when he was grinning because of someone else. She had to always sentence herself to this sort of torture everyday in her life, even at times when she didn't intend to. She had to stand there, watching the boy she once knew; his face and appearance never changed even a bit. His smile was forever perfect and dashing, yet his aura has drastically changed. Everything she thought she knew so well about him was well gone. She missed that smile of his, those smiles that were intended for her. She pondered over that brief moment this morning when their eyes accidentally met during a random time. She wished that she could return that smile but he quickly turned away. He must've done it unintentionally and so it meant nothing now.

She had nothing else to do now but wait until something new would happen in her dull life: be it pain or joy. Right now, all she did was hold a piece of paper of a simple little sketch in her hand to make herself feel better. A faint smile appeared on her lips and a single tear fell from her eyes as she mused over the comical drawing of two punctuation marks; an oblivious question mark turning away from an angry exclamation point that said, "Will you stop asking me why I'm always excited?!?"

Fluffy, You Saved Me

2007-02-27T18:25:00.000+08:00

"You're inlove with your past, Jemm. Things are different now."

The streams of warming sunlight from our classroom window gleamed, the innocent grin on my Elven friend's face beckoned to me, the out of place observation of my good friend struck me and all seemed to fall apart. His words got me tongue-tied and I felt like a ton of bricks had been carelessly placed upon me by a construction vehicle.

The serious look on his face made me feel very uneasy. My mouth went dry and my stomach did a conventional flipflop. I soon found myself reminiscing about my funny experiences in the past. The time when I first met the person that was sitting across me. Everything faded away in a haze and I was caught up with the glare he was giving me.

We became close because of a piece of amateur literature that I kept on teasing him about.
"The girl with the fiery red hair."

Woah. Still being a naive pre-teen, I was blown by his impressive use of words for we were of the same age and with that, he made my own poem look like hogwash. I became conspicuous of the tall boy with messy raven black hair. I gave him a grin and that's when a promising friendship began to flourish. A barrage of insults, devilish plots and childish games later, I grew to like him a lot. Over the months, he slowly got under my skin and I learned to appreciate the stolen moments we had. When I got to Secondary School, I found his name on the list of students in my class and I felt a subtle joy.
"Great. I can surely annoy him more."

And I was right, though we weren't absolutely close. During the final months of my freshman year, we began to share with each other our so-called masterpieces and we were clearly trying to impress one another with our sappy stories on high school life. This mischievous little boy not only exposed me to profound pieces of art but he was the first person ever to poison my thoughts with queer stories on homosexual romance. Now, I myself didn't appreciate these sort of things, my appetite was lost for a couple of days and I never looked at the Ghost Fighter characters in the same way ever again.

Going to the next chapter of our strange friendship of overly dramatic words, there came a time when love struck my Fluffy friend in a "royal-awkward" way. He went goo-goo over one of my constant female companions and I was left in the middle to aid him in his goal. All didn't turn out so well in the end and truly, this was a sad event because another growing relationship was lost and things also grew complicated in my part for very confidential reasons. Looking at the bright side, this would be the time when I considered him one of my best friends along with the bonus of a small, red hat-wearing, bazooka wielding creature.(Note: this is exaggerated, by the way) I soon started to grow attached to him and I finally had a worthy friend in my section. I could say he is one of my favorite persons though he has caused me stinging pain at random times. He was the person who actually beared with my complex behavior and he served as my "filter toy". His boldness would make me hate him but yet this unique trait of his also caused me to grow very fond of him. He is one of the few people who actually fixed my naive attitude and made me realize that sarcasm in writing could also be a good thing and soon after, he made me more sure of myself when in came to expressing my views and opinions.

He's my bestfriend. A true and loyal one. After the numerous conflicts and whatnot that I face in my daily life, I could rest assured that I may always approach my moody friend who provides me with all the laughter and insanity I need. His sense of humour is of the smart kind and not one that is of petty nonsense. He is the cause of my big grins and extremely overboard laughter. If I didn't meet him, I'd probably still be moping in one corner and crying my eyes out with my poorly written stories of corniness.(Note: again, exaggeration)

My life would never be as cheerful as it is now if not for the funny faces he gives me everyday, his funny antics, atrocious stories and all those countless things he does. As long as there's this person who would poke me every time I wanted to concentrate in class and turn to me after reading my stories with the words,
"Alright, I'll give you credit for effort." and "Okay, I think it's cute, I'll give you that."
I'll still give everyone an assuring smile and laugh like an idiot amidst my many problems. I am quite grateful that I switched our pens that fateful day in Elementary and annoyed him till he dropped. If not for that, I wouldn't have a personal criticizer, a cure for my frowns, a constant pain in the neck and a trustworthy companion named Polo. Happy 15 years on Earth, Fluffy. Stay the same and please do still keep me sane at the times of my emotional breakdowns. You're crazy and I'm proud to call you my Pillow for that.

Arts and Craft

2007-02-26T20:09:00.001+08:00

Practical Arts 2

Name: Jemm A. De Leon Section: Ogilvie Date: February 27, 2007

RESEARCH ACTIVITY BLOCK
Research on the definition of arts and crafts.
Arts and crafts comprise a whole host of activities and hobbies that are related to making things with one's own hands and skill. These can be sub-divided into handicrafts or "traditional crafts" (doing things the old way) and the rest. Some crafts have been practised for centuries, while others are modern inventions, or popularisations of crafts which were originally practiced in a very small geographic area.
Define handicrafts.

Handicraft, also known as craftwork or simply craft, is a type of work where useful and decorative devices are made completely by hand or using only simple tools. Usually the term is applied to traditional means of making goods. The individual artisanship of the items is a paramount criterion; such items often have cultural and/or religious significance. Items made by mass production or machines are not handicrafts. Give two examples to each type of arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving textiles
Banner-making
Canvas work
-Crafts involving wood, metal or clay
Metalworking
Jewelry
-Crafts involving paper or canvas
Bookbinding
Calligraphy
-Crafts involving plants
Basket weaving
Corn dolly making
-Other crafts
Balloon Animal
Bead Work

Describe each type of arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving textiles
Usage of flexible material comprised of a network of natural or artificial fibres often referred to as thread or yarn for arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving wood, metal or clay
Usage of solid material derived from woody plants, notably trees but also shrubs, element that readily forms positive ions (cations) and has metallic bonds. Metals are sometimes described as a lattice of positive ions surrounded by a cloud of delocalized electrons and a group of hydrous aluminium phyllosilicate minerals , that are typically less than 2 μm (micrometres) in diameter for arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving paper or canvas
Usage commodity of thin material produced by the amalgamation of fibers, typically vegetable fibers composed of cellulose, which are subsequently held together by hydrogen bonding for arts and crafts.
-Crafts involving plants
Usage of parts of trees, flowers, herbs, bushes, grasses, vines, ferns, and mosses for arts and crafts.
-Other crafts
Usage of any other type of material like beads, etc. for arts and crafts.
Write down the source of your information.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arts_and_crafts

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handicrafts
List down the different types of arts and crafts.

-Crafts involving textiles
-Crafts involving wood, metal or clay
-Crafts involving paper or canvas
-Crafts involving plants
-Other crafts

Spikes and Scythes

2007-02-26T19:53:00.000+08:00

"I am not going to like this.."

These words passed through my ears like sharp needles, even though the sentence was said in a whisper I didn't miss a single tone of annoyance in every syllable. I stayed silent, giving in to my pride and attempting to hide the guilt that was burdened within me. What I hoped for was given to me, I mean, what should I say? My heart hopped for joy upon hearing the bidding of the mistress in charge that day. I was smiling inside up until the point I heard those words and then, I finally agreed to the rude conception that what I hoped for would bring me chaos.

It was a well awaited day for all, I was excited myself. I remembered having difficulty shutting my eyes the other night and how fast I got up from bed. Joy. I was going to meet up with my buddies after a long excruciating summer of gratifying rest and finally indulge into long conversations with my contemporaries yet again. I stood placidly on one side of the high school building and watched my Mum who was busy conversing with her friends. My first year of Secondary School, how pretty is this? I always wondered how it would be, but the sharp glances and obvious gossiping of the higher-ups didn't appeal to me as well as they should've. I pushed that downer at the very back of my mind and considered the shot of looking around.

I saw many familiar faces as I strode through the hallways and cheerily acknowledged the greetings of my old classmates and friends back in Elementary. I disliked the crowds and rowdy noises but I guess I had to live with that now didn't I? Now after a while, I found myself back to square one and finally decided to wait for my friends like a good, patient girl. Soon, one of my dear friends arrived and I was glad to know that we would be attending classes in the same room. Blissful curiosity aroused in my mind as I sat there in that place that would soon give me unforgettable memories and pure laughter. I didn't know if I'd enjoy the company of my newly acquainted peers that easily. An instinct of competition readily clouded my head and I tried my best to succeed in showing everyone that I deserved all of this. But then, after choosing the mode of contemplation, I found myself staring at an entity paved in black that almost made me swear if not for the sudden nudge of my friend beside me who also had a baffled look on her face. Another individual sitting beside us claimed that he knew of this mysterious lad and gave us a short briefing of his social background. My friend and I were astonished at everything we heard and I still wanted to gag at what was laid out in front of me. The striking resemblance to a past object-of-childish-affection had a great impact on me; I was asking myself if the past was trying to haunt me or something of the sort. But the sudden squeaky sounding endeavors of a newcomer to make a good impression in a supposedly highly intellectual social group made not only me want to laugh out loud but also the rest of my peers.

After the hilarious experience, I began to wonder how life would be if I was well acquainted to this being. Now, as stated in the first paragraph, my wish was graciously granted in a matter of seconds. But everything else that happened after the letdown all seemed to be a taint part of my memory, the next events that actually play stupendous roles in the close bonds I have in the present are all in a blur and maybe because my mind also refuses to recall those innocent times of childish behavior.

A once believed object of obscurity was sitting right next to me and we were conversing in a manner that I never knew we could. Sharing views on particular subjects, providing each other with all the annoyance we could ever hope for and just having a great time was our daily routine. I could say days were very amusing with that kind of company provided for me. Who would've thought that this person of all people would share a good amount of interests with me? I was shocked at the reality when I thought of it in the present, but it never really bothered me at that time because it didn't seem such a big deal. His funny mishaps and peculiar mannerisms appealed to me and made me grow curious about the soul behind the cloak of mayhem and mystery. I never really pressured myself to understand the enigma that was always lazily snoozing beside me for I knew I truly wouldn't understand and maybe it just would've been a waste of time. I regretted that really, I never pushed any effort to get to know this lad of growing queries.

I could say I had an awkward set of emotions for the said person that time but I always thought it was merely an act of appreciation. I think he just grew on me over the months and I started to consider him as my best friend. A year passed and yes everything still went on as per usual yet a growing distance was between us. Due to not being beside each other all of the time and finding new people to bother could be some reasons for what have happened. But still, everything still felt the same and nothing really changed. I found myself deeply bothered about something during early November of last year and it really did mess with my thoughts and emotions very much. I found myself writing a poem of distress and complexity and soon realized what was happening. I've been struck by Cupid's annoying arrow in a very unlikable way and time. I found myself dreading at what has happened and tried to stop the growing emotions but to my inferiority, I succumbed to it. I had to accept the fact and after hearing one of my friends saying that, "You don't choose who to love, that's the heart's job." Upon hearing the very corny line, I bit my lip and just sighed.

I at first was being overly grim about my feelings, I tried so hard to toss it away like crumpling a sappy piece of grammatically incorrect literature and throwing it into the dumpster but I just couldn't. My heart has made its gruesome decision and it has led me to many ups and downs that were both blissful and quite hurtful. Sleepless nights, pools of tears and uproarious fights are only like appetizers to the main course of what I am already undertaking. Mindless battles have been fought, some lost and some won. But the war to the right path has yet to end, I have a feeling for more bitter challenges ahead of me and I stand still with my clueless and apathetic nature. But one thing's for sure, after all of this has ended.. I still wish to keep the memories I cherished for so long, the growing friendship that has been formed and the person who caused my heart to beat in a weird yet heavenly rhythm.

Lonely Night

2007-02-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

The night is cold. The chilly wind from my window saddens my empty soul. There is not an apparent reason to why I must feel this way, I know that I am merely secluding myself into a depressed state. The sheets of warmth around me were meant to calm my senses, to lull me to sleep, but yet no sign of beckoning slumber appears on my face. I need not to worry, my heart and mind deserve rest from the numerous epics that have been tossed upon them. My eyes refuse to shut in response to the troublesome yearnings of my soul, my heart faintly flutters in anguish and a sigh escaped from my lips. I am sad. Why is this so? A part of me is somewhat missing and my mind ponders on the whereabouts of a certain individual. The complexity of my emotions give me much to feel uncomfortable about and it amuses me not.

Towering shadows begin to rise around every wall in my room and I am yet again engulfed into darkness. His presence haunts me.. his sly grin, shrewd choice of words, profound gaze and mischievous nature direct me into several moments of troublesome reflection. He conquers my mind so easily even without meaning to, I struggle at fighting depression out of all of this. His face comes to me in a thought, the familiar sensation of the chill that goes up my spine whenever he flashes a smile at me is unbearable. His voice, constantly resounding in my ears, the way he manipulates my emotions just by uttering random words. His eyes, voids to deep ecstasy, the ones that shoot piercing looks that leave me stunned. Why, why am I here now? Sitting down in one corner, thinking of him. I toil at despair as I lean against the cold wall, contemplating. The vivid memory of the day I first met him brings me nostalgic feelings. Short yet important memories appear in my head, they pin me to the past and they leave me at his grasps. He has constricted me with his chains, everyday they tighten up around me, unwilling to let go. Does he know of this? The torture I go through whenever I'm near him? I withhold my feelings for him, I cannot let go. His cunning ability to twist words would leave anyone perplexed, including myself. I know I should know better but I have already surrendered to the battle against love. There's no turning back now, I got myself into all of this and my only hope is to go through this night well and finally close my tired eyes in deep, well-deserved slumber..

Vacuous Shades Of Emotion

2007-02-20T21:07:00.000+08:00

Time. It passes by so fast, I haven't even had the right moment to even think of what has commenced it the past for I have been very engrossed with my own thoughts, my own chaos.
Today, I feel quite neutral. Life's back to its normal state, empty and typical. I spend my time lollygagging over countless things and just go with the flow of everything around me. This feeling used to amuse me well, maybe about three months ago. That time could be recognized as my alone phase, when all else did not matter but my happiness and me. I miss those days. I didn't have so many close bonds with anyone and I didn't have the obligation to keep those ties in good condition. I could just walk away from everything and indulge into my own world: my wonderland. I liked the solitude, I used to believe that it was good for my soul. It's something that wouldn't put my feelings in jeopardy because I am already deeply scarred by past heartbreaks. I was happy, carefree but alone. Now I know I've been wrong, solitude is good for reflection and calming purposes, but too much of it is letal. Being alone made me anti-social, too full of myself and contradictive. These traits along with many others are the products of my old philosophy: solitude is the solution to everything.
Now I've come to conclude of the fact that I shouldn't sentence myself to oblivion all of the time. Choosing loneliness is running away from the real world and at first I thought it was fine. I shouldn't run away from emotions that have to be experienced, I shouldn't close up my mind because of the fear of getting hurt and I definitely state to the world that I am selfish when I do so. I am in the state of change right now, it's a little hard but I presume that I will soon adapt to all of this. Life has it's smiles and frowns and I must come to accept that fact. Thanks to my loyal friends, I have learned not to choose numbness. All obstacles must be faced whole heartedly and must be conquered with my utmost integrity of being me.

A Soul To Forgive?

2007-02-18T10:22:00.000+08:00

This hasn't been a good week, whenever I have reason to smile, I end up frowning even more. I've done a great deal of wrong again, I followed the darkness within me and did a few things that shouldn't even be done in the first place. I know he's mad at me right now, I can feel it. I've probably hurt his feelings because of my selfishness.

I'm simply not okay right now, I need someone to talk to but everyone just won't understand. I want to talk to him to end all of this but I don't have the courage to do so. He's been a great friend and I've experienced so much with him, I don't want our friendship to fade like this, not because of what I did. I know I'm wrong, heck. No one needs to tell me that because I AM. I am stupid, so kill me. He probably can't understand this, I know he's confused. There are a few things that I can't tell him or else what has alreadly been bad will worsen. It's not something he should know, I know I'm not supposed to lie and keep secrets from him but it's better this way. It's better that I'd suffer by myself with what I feel than both of us being more uncomfortable around each other than we already are. I don't like this, I don't like this at all. I know asking for an apology wouldn't be enough but I can't think of anything else to do that is rational. I am utterly confused. I'm not used to all of this, if only he realized it. I don't feel right when we don't talk and whenever we exchange hurtful looks. He's like a part of my lifestyle, he's my friend. It torments me to remember all of the good things we've been through, those times when we'd just laugh and smile for the craziest reasons. I miss him, that's why I'm going through all of this and I want our friendship back. I really can't take this anymore. I hate it whenever I think of those instances when I told myself that it was cool being his friend because we never fought or argued even once. Now look what's happening, this is the worst fight I ever had with a friend and it hurts. And all of this happened because of my foolish mistake. I wish I could turn back time and take back every stupid thing I said, but it's too late. The only thing I could do is be miserable for my actions and say..
"I'M SORRY."

Tifa pic from here.

Bitter Darkness

2007-02-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

My laughter can be insanely loud and I may tend to raise my voice too much. I smile idiotically and do senseless things for no reason what so ever. Many may say I am happy but I'm not..

I fake smiles and laugh easily to hide whatever pain I have, I am one who treasures life and just tries to make the best out of trivial things. But there are times when smiles don't come effortlessly, sometimes life can just be filled with stone-cold darkness. I've been in some sort of trance lately and things haven't been going so well. Tears, frowns and hatred crumple the once blank expression on my face. I cannot seem to smile, it's been quite hard to even just fake a single one, I struggle at every single moment when I need to give a reaction. I am apathetic again, the fruit of my emptiness. When I am blessed with company, I want to wander away and embrace the gift of solitude. But why do I still feel bitter even after all has left and I stand there in one corner, gazing at nothing, simply suffering from self-inflicted pain. I toil at the grueling phases of everyday life, I am too weak to even think of the right words to say. Could there be a cure for this acute emotional disorder of mine? Can my dull mind ever find gratifying peace? Will I ever learn to let go of what is not meant to be? My life has been like a lonely prison cell, I'm trapped in the darkness of isolation, I am caged behind the solid iron bars of tactless emotions for an insensitive lad who thinks not even a single thought of me. Have I thrown myself into depression's bottomless abyss?

Valentine's Day Blues

2007-02-14T20:50:00.002+08:00

I poem I wrote with great speed:

"To kill is one thing and to lie is another,
But to kill one being so true with a lie that cuts
like a dagger?
Aye, That is sin! Should I still be sober?

You twist words well, corrupt dagger.
You tell me now that all of this is proper?
I weep and all tell me I should think better,
But your words poison me, boy so bitter!"

*sigh*

My Lies

2007-02-13T18:21:00.000+08:00

Presenting.. My Valentine:

Whenever I'm alone, I stand still and close my eyes hoping that it's he who's going to sneak up on me and save me from my misery. He has never left my thoughts, I think about him during every possible minute. If there was a day that I didn't think of him, his face would visit me in my sleep along with many epic adventures of him being the main protagonist. I used to think I just loved his company and really tried to forget about him, but now I have accepted the fact that I can never forget about him.

One of the things I cannot avoid would have to be going through my memories of him and me doing any random whatnot. He always puts a smile on my face with every move he does, he naturally has a funny demeanor but even if he doesn't mean to make anyone laugh or notice him, he still catches my attention easily. I don't know, I think I look at him too much.. I mean, a friend once told me that. But, how could I not turn to him? He seems to unconsciously appeal to me.

I'm unsure of what I feel for him and I do not know why, is it a case of infatuation or just another phase? Would singing like a fool and doing crazy things because of him mean anything? I've been through so much because of these weird feelings for him. I've cried much hurtful tears, waged war to many, skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner because of my experiences with him. I just don't know anymore, I think I am out of my league already. But things like these don't always bring me laughter, like I've said, I've cried myself to sleep during many nights because of heartbreak. I think he knows that I'm always there for him, that I'd willingly offer an ear or a crying shoulder to him if he needed it. You see, knowing that he isn't at peace makes my heart crumble. I care for him so much, I hope he realized that. A friend just told me now that my tears would be wasted if I cried again, but you know what? I don't care.. I'd cry now if I felt like it. Why? I don't know yet, but I feel that he is worth every teardrop, even though he looks at me as a friend, I will cry for him and I do not feel the same way towards any other boy I've met.

*deep breath*

I know I'm bad, why? I lie to him everyday, pretend that I just want to be his friend. I wish that I didn't have to but I guess it's better this way, right? Uhm, right. He loves another and I understand that(uhm, well.. maybe.. a little.. uhm, NO), I know it's torture when I see him with her.. but all I need is to mourn for a while and then I'm over it. I am sad because I choose to be sad. I go through this much because it just happens. No matter how much pain is thrown upon my wounded heart, I'd still turn to him and smile because I-..

-end

I'm being sincere and true for the first time in history.. woot.

Pass Midnight

2007-02-12T09:35:00.000+08:00

I wrote this last night during an emo session.

It's way pass midnight. My mind cannot find peace, thoughts of what I did in the past week haunt me so much. I twist and turn, but to my ill fate, I cannot fall asleep. I have done a great deal of wrong, I have attempted feats that the real me wouldn't even dare to do, I have broke the rules I used to faithfully follow, I HAVE CROSSED THE LINE. I must extend my deepest apologies to all of you, to the people who witnessed my insanity and the taking over of my mind by my heart. I was being stupid, yes I am completely aware of that. I talked like a flirt, dressed like a harlot and acted like an animal all for just my stupid fantasies. Much disgrace has this placed upon me, much burdens indeed. I must purge myself of the evil that has possessed me. From this day on, I shall be true to myself and I shall not change because of only one person. Forgive me all, think negatively if you must but my apologies are humble and sincere. I cannot bear another night of guilt, not like this night. The tears I cried, I don't know if it was for him or for myself. I am quite lost, they have cleansed my eyes already, no more must be wasted on any other day. All must end tonight. This cold and lonely moment would not be forgotten, the last tear that streamed down my cheek had a purpose.. I MUST GET BACK MY SANITY AND END MY SELFISH PLOTS. All isn't lost yet, there's still a drop of hope left in life's vile of good fortune. I may have been hanging by a thread for a while, but I managed to get back up to my feet to go on with life's many trials and hardships. This isn't the end of the real me, I'm still here.

Okay, after re-reading this.. I SOUND SO EMO!! EEEEWWW!! Well anyway, I feel much better this morning. A few things were already straightened out but some things can never be..

Like A Blue Bird

2007-02-11T21:30:00.000+08:00

Diary Entry #1

There's this weird lesson in Religion wherein Father Chambers said something about this Blue Bird. If you try and try to catch it, it will end up flying away all of the time, and if you ignore it and pre-occupy yourself with something else, it will go to you. Father said that happiness is like a Blue Bird, but in my case, HE is a Blue Bird.

As most of you must know, it's Family Day today. I wasn't able to enjoy the festivities wholly because of a misunderstanding with my parents. Now, I had this little 'mission' for today and I can't tell any of you what it is(even my friends do not know what is up to in this weird mind of mine). But my 'mission' has something to do with a certain experience last December 19 2006. I wanted to experience it just for one more time.

I thought everything would go perfectly, but I was wrong. It was hard trying to cross paths with HIM by coincidence and I simply grew tired of it. I mean, I almost had a stiff neck just by looking around when my friends and I arrived at a new spot in the campus, I was so not in the mood. Also, when I get to see him already.. he's the one who doesn't see me or he's looking the other way! Geez! You could only imagine the frustration I went through! Ugh. So my strained mind finally forgot about him and I decided to 'try' to enjoy the so-called Family Day. Walk, laugh, talk and blah blah. Guess what? When I didn't mind him, he was all over me. Totally shocked there! And when I desperately look at him so that he'd look back at me? He would look the other way! That's so reverse psychology! Anyway, he's a Blue Bird. *laughs*

Conclusion: I am a happy little girl right now, I don't care about the rest of the world. Oh yes, my mission was accomplished though I'm not so sure about it because my only way of confirming it was looking at the expression on his face with the corner of my eye. Gahd. I'm sick and yet I still have a lot of things to do! This is not right! School's such a pain.

Idle Mornings

2007-02-10T07:58:00.000+08:00

She awakens from a deep slumber, she bears with her a heavy head of mindboggling thoughts, a heart of unrequited love and a battered body forced into many grueling battles. She feels the cool sensation of the chilly morning on her bare feet, somehow quite soothing after sleeping for who knows how long. She had this disturbing dream the other night, telling her of the battle that commenced and HIS death. She quivered at that thought and soon found herself running.

'Nay, he is not dead.' She repeated to herself as she barged into every possible room she could get into. 'Not dead.' she said again as she felt tears starting to fill up in her eyes, she desperately tried to blink them back as she wearily went down the stone steps. The whole place was eerily silent, which made her fear for something bad even more. She felt a lump in her throat as she found herself infront of the huge wooden doors to the library, her favorite place.

After slowly waving a finger, the door opened with a familiar creeking sound. Her heart started to beat quickly, she scanned the room but no one was there. The place was empty. She walked into the room with tears streaming down her cheeks, she felt something in her drift away, making her feel so empty. She shook her head in disbelief and fell to her knees.

A sudden sound of footsteps startled her, she looked around once again but this time with teary eyes. A tall figure stood by one of the bookcases, she rose to her feet not wanting to make a fool out of herself by kneeling on the floor like that. She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand and took in quick breaths. Her vision soon cleared and what she saw made her jaw drop. It was him. He stood there, as dumbfounded as she was. He had a book in his hand, his eyes were wide open in shock as he looked at her. Thud. The book fell on the floor, and the next thing she knew, she was caught up in his arms. She whispered his name.

"I thought you were gone." Both said at the same time, she felt how he tightened his grip around her. This peculiar event had happened before, in the lake during a late afternoon. Yet that time, he quickly let go of her, not like now. She shut her eyes in contentment. 'I love you.' She sighed, she wanted to say it out loud but, this wasn't the right time. She knew it could wait for all was well for now, all was very well.

Seven Minutes In Heaven 2

2007-02-09T17:50:00.000+08:00

This is another funny pic from Anti-Shurtugal.com.. Lol. More to come!!

The story continues..

Four. A door suddenly slammed shut, the faint light that illuminated his face was gone, it didn't even register in my mind that my friends were playing a trick on me again. 'I can't talk to him now, I just can't.' The thought of that day in the classroom clouded my mind again, the look in those blue eyes of his, the way he was so close to me and how I destroyed our friendship by the revelation of my feelings for him. I can't bare this.
Five. The growing silence deafened me; the darkness was quite overwhelming. I felt so lost and I didn't like it at all, but a sudden sound stunned me, "Sam?".

To be continued.. Sorry guys, I'm not in the mood for any of this. Chemistry and Literature really pissed me off so I made this short again. I really can't wait for tomorrow's shopping session and photo shoot. Oh and yes, I will do something insane on Sunday.. as in during the high school's Family Day, yeah. It's not thoroughly insane but, to the people who knew me for so long already, it's not normal.

Toodles.
Jemm††

Seven minutes In Heaven

2007-02-08T11:06:00.000+08:00

This is a short story that is quite hard to understand completely. It's a small part in my on-going story called "PeaceKeeper". I don't know if you're aware of this but, 'Seven minutes in heaven' is a famous game in other countries that has something to do with trapping two people(one for each sex) in a dark closet or room for seven minutes and let who-knows-what happen in there before letting them out again. Now, out of my insane mind of peculiar thoughts, I came up with 'Seven minutes in Heaven' the story. I am currently disappointed on the grade that was given to me for this blog so I'll put all my bad thoughts into typing this:

A shrill of unwelcoming laughter resounded in my ears. "Unwanted company." I muttered, eyeing the foursome of mischief with an inquisitive look. All reassured me with grins and I gave a sigh of exasperation, 'They're at it again.' I thought, slowly rising from my seat.
For a minute there, I thought we would just stay quiet and play a little staring game. But my doubts on those ominous looks on their faces proved to be wrong, they soon dragged me to some random room and left me there.
One. They have rewarded me with solitude, not a usual occurence. The inky darkness ate up everything in sight and all was lost in a split second. I was left alone there, not knowing why and I went to the thought of looking at the brighter side of the situation.
Two. I heard a soft thud that ruined my preluding mood. My expectations proved me wrong yet again, maybe I should stop trusting my senses of foreboding. I didn't care to give a reaction for I felt merely irrated and tired. I decided to stay placid and ignore whoever disturbs my time alone.
Three. Something suddenly hit me, pushing me to the chilly wooden floor. My body began to ache instantly at the impact of my fall. I grunted in pain and annoyance before I stood up to face whoever it was. My eyes widened at the site of those familiar blue orbs and spikey black hair. I felt my mouth dry up, my heart was throbbing in a fast pace and I felt like lying on the floor again.

To be continued.. =P

The Weirdest Dream..

2007-02-07T19:18:00.000+08:00

I also posted this in my Friendster blog but I guess it also deserves a place here.. Please comment!! But I warn you, it's totally mindboggling.

A day of blinding sunshine but disturbing silence was thrown upon me. I walked with my sibling in the empty campus, not knowing what I'm supposed to seek. Flash. A light blinds me and a new scene is infront of me. The familiar chapel; a mass going on and a crowd of bustling students before me. They move and chatter without hesitation during solemn hymns and somehow I felt no pity nor guilt. All seemed stable but a friend behind me carelessly wielded a dagger and to his misfortune, cut himself. Blood crimsoned his seat and all watched with no reaction what-so-ever.

Flash. I stand infront of a killer, he held my companions and me hostage. A shapeshifting weapon was cautiously wrapped around his shaking fingers, he pounced at my companion and threatened to cut his throat. I for one, held my breath and feared the worse for my dear friend. I watched him from the corner of my eye and saw the sweat that trickled down the side of his head and the slow breaths he took in which maybe his last. I loathed at the way I couldn't do anything and silently snarled at my useless state.

Flash. I stood infront of my fellow hostages now, quite cluelessly. The killer fell on the pavement and his blood stained the once gray surface. A familiar sharp weapon stuck out from his neck, the blade had cut through his skin deeply and ofcourse his spirit left him instantly. Shocked, I turned to the doer of the heroic deed, it was him. The boy who I knew.. witty yet annoying.. the one I care so deeply about, my best friend. He stood there, downcasted and slumping. A surge of aftershock pierced through my face and I felt so afraid. He was idly standing beside me a minute before, probably terrified himself.. but here he was, able to perform a deed no regular teenager would've done so easily. I suddenly ran to him and quickly wrapped my arms around him. I whispered to him that I was so scared, scared for a reason unknown. His head fell on my shoulder and he collapsed. By instinct, I caught him and pulled him closer to me. But this time, I was on my knees with his unconscious figure settling under my tight hug. He was bleeding from his shoulder, the killer probably was the one who did this to him. In his attempt to save our friend, he risked his life and placed his welfare in danger. At the last moments of the killer's life, he probably was able to pull the trigger of his pistol and aimed the weapon at my best friend's heart. But to the killer's weakness, he missed and the bullet simply scratched off the flesh at the side of my best friend's shoulder. The death wish of revenge wasn't given a chance by fate to come true. I sighed; running my hand through the familiar feel of the hair of the boy in my arms, I thanked God that he was still breathing and there was still hope..

Light and Darkness Blurred All Together..

2007-02-02T11:22:00.000+08:00

The name's Jemm A. De Leon.. first things first, I came to existence on June 21, 1992 and eversince then.. I lived an average and happy life. I've got friends here and there and my family is just like any other typical family.

Many tell me that I am silent. That's my one-word description based on what other's have to say. I can be quite senseless at times yet averagely intellectual when needed. I do things because I want to but sometimes I just have to give in to the pressure everyone bestows upon me. When it comes to grades, I'm all fair. I don't know if it's just luck when I tend to ace subjects even without cramming information into my mind, I'm not bragging or something.. I'm stating the unusual truth about my study habits.

I adore music and I simply cannot pass a day without hearing even just one song. I use random songs to harness inspiration and sometimes use it to block my mind from the noisy and annoying surroundings. I love food, if I'm not doing anything.. I usually grab a pack of my favorite junk food and just gobble it up.

My favorite hobby would have to be my passion.. writing, which includes the many phases I go through when I'm busy with a story: finding inspiration(hardest part, if you noticed.. nothing's worth being inspired about in my fair hometown.), brainstorming(most tiring part, putting all my ideas together and giving them roles in my plotline is mindboggling.), putting it to paper(isn't it obvious? duh.) and ofcourse the most important step, re-reading(copyreading and fact straightening time.)

Oh and when it comes to my attitude towards others, it really varies. My changing moods always affect my behavior and it can be both positive or negative. I could be a total snob at one time and be such a cheery little girl during the next. The bottom line is, don't mess with me.. don't annoy me.. don't steal my food and my stuff.. don't push me around and we might get along.

I have currently ran out of things to say, so it is farewell for now.